New Diagnosis

Hello!

Long time no blog :( sorryy...
Well, dad got out of hospital eventually, but he went straight back to drinking. His health continues to get worse :'( for my christmas present he sent me, my sister and nephew to lapland - how amazing!

I also went to mexico for 2 weeks in october <3<3<3

Ok well, thats a general update - now onto my recent hospital stay :( Im not coping well with it to be honest...

So for a month or so I had been getting awful headaches, and a constant pounding noise in my right ear. I was very forgetful-and got confused [easier than usual lol] and i was sleeping 15 hours a day. I visited my GP when I began losing my vision. He told me to go to the eye hospital, which I put of a week, cuz I went to LAPLANDDD <3

Anyway, I got back and my symptoms continued to worsen. So i eventually got myself to the eye hospital. Very reluctantly. I've never much liked hospitals :( So they put these horrible eyedrops in my eyes which made my vision blur [apparently that was meant to happen :/] and looked at the back of my eyes. The doctor called for a specialist, who also had a look, and 2 medical students had a look too. The consultant gave me a letter to take to A&E with me-and told me to go straight away.

So in A&E u had blood tests, wee tests, ECG's, eye tests, u name it, finally, about
2 hours after I arrived, they sent me for a CT scan to scan my brain. They said there was a huge pressure in my head pressing on my eye. I started panicing at that point. They started talking about brain tumours. Thankfully my CT scan showed no masses. The doctor told me I had Benign Intercranial Hyoertension, and to stay in overnight, but I refused. I absolutely hate hospitals. Finally he let me go, on the promise I would return at 12 the following day for a lumbar puncture.

Urgh.

I think I was in shock, because I slept rather well that night. Even after researching the condition and finding out it effects mostly overweight females-which of course I took as 'ITS YOUR OWN FAULT U FAT TWAT'. I got to the hospital and was told to put on a gown, I was taken to have another eye test to test my visual field or something?...hmm i dunoo lol

So I was taken to a little side room and told to wait. Then it hit me, the damage I had caused to my health. and the tears started. A lovely nurse gave me a cuddle and talked to me about how it wasnt my fault, and that I shouldnt hate myself. She really was lovely...So 2 doctors came in, and put my on my side - I was cryin so hard, more concious of them seeing my body than through fear.

Then the pain. I have never ever screamed out loud due to pain before. I have a very high pain tolorance. But MY GOD i cannot even begin to explain the feeling and agony of having a huge needle stabbed into your spinal cord and wiggled around. There are no words. He tried 5 times to get the puncture in the right place, I was literally sobbing begging him to stop. It was pure agony. The doctor told me he wasnt successful and told me to lay on my back for a few hours and he would come back to talk to me once i'd rested.
When he left I literally sobbed my heart out. I was shaking like mad...traumatised by the procedure :'( eventually the doc came back, told me i was staying in overnight, and he was guna try again tomorrow.

Depression hit me like a ton of bricks. I cried all night, I was transfered to a ward, where all of a sudden, I was locked in a sideroom, being told until I was tested for meningitis, I was in isolation. I cried and cried and cried.
I woke up, and cried, I couldnt eat breakfast cuz the ana in my ednos had taken over - it was my fat fault i was ill. I never wanted to eat again.

I was wheeled [told I wasnt allowed to walk] to have an MRI scan. which was horrible to be honest, then taken back to my isolation.

The doc came in at about 3 o'clock, told me they were guna slightly sedate me, and do the procedure again. Well. I'll cut a long story short, when they hit my spinal fluid, [yep-it hurt like a mofo again] they measured the pressure- it should be less than 20. Mine was 60. Which I was told could have been fatal :/

Mmm so the next 2 days i stayed in, unable to walk far, with the worsed headaches I have EVER had due to a reduction in pressure, and yeh - I was put on meds for long term and sent away. I have to see neurology in out patient. But mmm yehh thats the story :( I need to lose weight. I NEED TO. iv given myself a perminant brain disorder....

:( but i duno how without ed behaviours...

...

hi.

i havent blogged in a long time.
i have been up and down
tryin to struggle though :)
til yesterday, my dad got taken to hospital. this morning i found out he had been taken to intensive care during the night. the nurse said 'hes a very sick man' im not coping. i have switched off. completely. i know that if anything happens to him, it will destroy me. im scared if what i might do. they will have to lock me up probably.

sorry.
im tryin to keep positive, but i am so scared.

Mmm..yeh...im doing kinda ok?...Ive spent some time drowsy as hell due to my meds increase, but yeahh...

Im ok-still going, and although I have had a bad week or so - I am still striving for recovery.

I had an incident at work 2 days ago which destroyed any self confidence I may have had left...being called fat and taken the piss out of by my college behind my back. I found out, went down and absolutely lost it with him, I was literally screaming in his face that unless he had the first clue how I suffer every day with my weight and self image and food and fat then he had no right to make comment.

I also got a letter from my therapist - my doc. It made very awkward reading. I feel like a statistic.

Hmm k Im still more drowsy than I thought I was, I'll blog another time.

Xxx

I dont care. Anymore. I dont care about gettin better. I just dont care. Depression has wrapped itself round my soul. It has paralysed me. I spoke to J. He actually wants nothin to do with me. I dont blame him. I have lost all my motivation.

I. Dont. Care. Sorry.

Hello =)

Kk, so after my blip last week, I finally got the courage to visit my GP yesterday and tell her how bad things had got. It was hard, I didnt want to admit that I was struggling. I don't know whats happened to me - where have my good days gone? My good days turned into good hours, then good minutes, until I reached this point, where my mood changes every other minute almost. I need to continue with my CBT skills but its hard when one minute I wana recover, and the next minute I think I deserve to suffer. I need to keep challenging these thoughts, and I am for the most part. Im not guna be beaten. No way. Not ever.

So my medication has been increased to maximum dose. This really disapointed me. I didnt want my meds to be upped, I wanted my meds to be DEcreased, and I wana be off them at some point - increasing my dose just put my target of bein clean of medication so much further from my grasp. At the same time, I realise these people are only doing their best for me and I should trust their judgement. I'm guna beat this one day I swear it.

Xxx

Lost

I feel like I have lost myself.

On saturday night I took an overdose and cut my arm needing stitches. J completely rejected me. I couldnt take any more abandonment, especially from J. Im so in love with him and it just destroyed me.

Looking back, he was only being honest with me - telling me we cant be together at the moment, but my head twisted it all around and I convinced myself he hated me. Even though he said to me 'You are such a good and beautiful person' and that he loves me as a friend,...but no, in my head, he hated me.

All I needed was to hurt myself, I tried desperately to cling to the skills I learnt in CBT, I went for a walk, but my emotions were controlling me, in about the space of 5 minutes I felt everything sad, scared, alone, hopeless, angry, back to alone again. But mostly I was scared and rejected. I called a friend, but as soon as I heard her voice I felt guilty - this wasnt her problem, it was mine, and that meant I had to deal with it alone. So I hung up. Not wanting to worry her or burden her. I was so angry at myself. I went home, not being able to think clearly at all-all I could focus on was needing to stop the pain. Yeah, at that time, I wanted to die.

I started taking tablets. One after the other after the other after the other. I don't know how many I took. As suddenly as the urge to take tablets had hit me, the urge to stop taking them overtook - Thank God. I was shocked at what I found myself doing, I knew better than this. I cut my arm, not to kill myself, not to hurt myself even, but to almost snap myself back to reality? Maybe that makes no sense. But it worked. I made myself sick, not wanting to die anymore - realising how stupid I had been, and tryin to get the tablets out of me. My arm was cut pretty bad. I knew I needed a hospital. But I was scared. What if they locked me up? What if they never let me out? What if they contacted my family? I couldnt have anyone worry about me.

I walked myself to a&e. By this point I was clammy and shaking, not sure if it was the tablets, or the panic and anxiety, or the guilt and shame, or the shock of the depths I had sunk to, I don't know. I sat shaking in the waiting room, bleeding through the old t-shirt I was holding around my arm. An old lady asked if I was ok. I just cried, wondering why she was being so nice to me when I didnt deserve her concern. She talked to me about her reasons for being in a&e - she had reacted to a mosquito bite or a wasp sting and her arm was swollen. I dont think I said a single word to her, but she talked to me til I was called to triage. I wish I could thank her now. And say sorry for not talking back. She said 'It will be ok', and I managed half a smile through the tears.

Triage dressed my arm and did my obs which were all over the place, my pulse was 109. She said its jus cuz I'd been crying and not to worry, then took me to this little room. Where I waited - i had to wait til 11 before I had blood tests, a doctor came and asked me a bunch of questions. Did I want to die? How do I explain to a total stranger what was in my head? I had wanted to die, but I changed my mind. That sounds so stupid - but if I wanted to die, I wouldnt have made myself sick, I wouldnt have gone to hospital. But I hated the thought that they were probably thinking it was for attention or a 'cry for help' because it wasnt...I just lost grip of the mountain I've been climbing for a few minutes, and I fell to the bottom. But I got up again. How do I explain that to a doctor I'd never met? He said he had called the hospital psychiatrist.

She eventually arrived and asked me loads of questions. 45 minutes later, she left me with a diagnosis of 'Emotionally Unstable personality disorder' [Borderline personality disorder] and all she had to say was 'keep up with the skills you learnt in CBT' and she left, happy I was stable enough to go home once my bloods were done and my arm was stitched.

The next few hours aren't worth talking about - my bloods showed my organs were fine, the nurse said its good I was sick so quickly after taking the tablets, and she sorted my arm out. She was so nice, asking me why I did it, and to please not hurt myself again. And I was free to go.

Free to go home where it hit me - I had a new diagnosis to worry about now. I just wana talk to Rebecca =( but I can't. And I wana talk to J, but I can't.

xXxXxXx sorry - just needed to get this out xXxXxXx

well the other day I was net fishing with my nephew, and I saw a ladybird in the river, I scooped it out with the net =) *warm fuzzy feeling*

A few weeks ago, I was on my way home from therapy, it was SCORCHINGGGG hot, there was a snail moving across the pavement, poor thing, I picked him up and put him in the shade on a nice crispy green leaf...saved.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPERRRRCUTE:

http://1000awesomethings.com/

1000 awesome things; number 194

WHEN INSECTS ARE STRUGGLING TO DO SOMETHING AND YOU HELP THEM

Picture this; You’re biking down the leaf-slicked sidestreets of your hometown when you suddenly lose your balance and fly head first over the handlebars straight into the curb. You smack it hard and are left lying in a twisted mess of bike chains and bloody legs.

But then! Just as the shock is setting in and you start getting your bearings, the clouds above you suddenly part and a giant hand reaches down from the heavens and picks you up and sets you on your feet. Then the hand zooms away and you’re left standing in the middle of the road all dazed and confused.

That’s what I picture it must have felt like to the upside-down beetle I flipped back over the other day. Yes, he was just lying on his back like a fool, arms and legs frantically pawing the air in a terrible attempt to flip over. Well I flicked him a bit and he flipped over before scampering away to safety.

Hey, sometimes insects just need our help.

Next time you release a fly from its Between-Sliding-Glass-Doors Prison or let a bumblebee banging its skull against your bedroom window buzz away, just stop to enjoy the moment of helping a fellow living thing out. After all, we’re all sharing the same planet, we’re all sharing the same sun, and it’s great helping an insect do something, so it can get its doing something done.

On my own

Today I had my last session with my therapist =( I hated saying goodbye to the person who has helped save my life. It was like losing a friend. I wana take her with me on the rest of my journey to recovery. But I can't. That makes me sad.

So I got home, had lunch, and watched some TV. I wanted to go to the gym, but I started having a headache that soon turned into a migraine. I was meant to go shopping with Soph, but I was in so much pain I just couldn't. Instantly, that made me feel like I failed - I was not meant to go home and sit in bed watching TV, that was not the plan =/ I think the stress building up over the past 2 weeks, me gettin anxious about finishing therapy just caught up with me. I hate getting migraines, they completely disable me, then when the pains finally gone, I'm left exhausted. Im not making excuses for failing my plans, but maybe I'll let my self off this once? I'm okay - I'm sad, but I'm not in bed crying, I'm in bed resting. Thats okay, right? =S Hmm. Well, I painted my nails, like we agreed I would, and Im guna continue learning 'Le Onde' on the piano in a bit. So its not a total fail.

So it's just me against the world now. Of course, I have the most incredible support, from my friends and my online recovery family =) but...not having the support of an understanding therapist is guna be extemely hard for me to get used to.

Sigggh
*hugs*
Thanks for readin guys xx

My inspiration for recovery is now my gorgeous nephew...

hellooo

Hello =)

Ok so I woke up several times in the night feeling so sick I had to run to the loo. I wasn't sick, thank god. But I didnt binge yesterday-why am I feeling ill for eating 'normally'???

I woke up this morning with bad stomach pains still feeling sick, I went to tie my hair up before my shower, and lost 4 handfulls of hair. WHAT?! It put me in such a bad mood-but I remembered my promise to myself yesterday - I will make today a better day than yesterday, so I did, I met some friends for lunch, did some shopping, walked in the sunshine, and Im back home chilling for a few hours before going safe food shopping =) I'm ok today. I did eat 2 icecreams when I got home, but for me, thats not a binge, so I'm guna forget it, and keep going strong

=P

My Story

Ok-requested by Amy (another gorgeous friend I've met on my journey) A blog about my story. This is a tough one.

Always painfully shy, insecure, and clingy with my mum. I witnessed a lot of violence as a child, and was on the receiving end of it often. Please dont think I mean my dad-my dad has never been violent.
I was scared to leave my mums side incase she got hurt. As young as 5 or 6 I felt like her protector.
My dad was, and still is, an alcholic.
When I was 5, one of my little brothers died. I remember scratching at my finger, making a 'chicken scratch'...nothing hurt emotionally if something hurt physically. That was a slippery slope. Where I got the idea from, I will never know.

At primary school, my 1st memory is of me standing in a line with all the other kids waiting to get our drawings marked by our teacher. I was holding my book, open, over my tummy, convinced I was fat and disgusting. I remember it so well-conciously hiding my body even at that age. I wasnt fat. I was just a normal 6 year old.

All through school I felt like the odd one out. My disordered eating started very young. I was convinced I was fat, so I would throw my lunch away, throw it under the table (an 8 year old isnt that subtle) and do anything to avoid eating it. It was either that, or it went the other way conmpletely. I would be so hungry from not eating, that I felt like I needed all the food in the world. What I had in my lunch box never seemed enough. I went out of class to the cloakroom plenty of time to 'get my pencil' and would steal food out of other childrens lunch boxes. It is shameful looking back, but I was a child, I knew it was wrong, but I needed that food.

I started getting teased. Nothing serious. I was about 9 or 10 and a boy in my class started calling my fat, every day-day in day out 'You're fat' <
My the time I went to secondary school, I was bigger than average, still not 'fat' but definately bigger. And I was concious of it every second of every day. Kids in secondary school can be nasty. I was called fat often-by various different people, I wasnt bullied as such, just name calling and one incident a girl pulled my hair as I was walking home and yep-called me fat-you guessed it.
I was constantly insecure about every part of myself, I started cutting myself age 14. It turned into something I could control, my secret that no one would ever know about. A few times people did notice, but nothing was said. I started cutting daily. I started having panic attacks in crowded places, I refused to do PE because I was sooo uncomfortable with my body the thought of getting changed even terrified me to tears. I had a panic attack in PE once, and never did it again after that. Assemblies were another thing-I had panic attacks in about 5 assemblies before my mum agreed to write a note excusing me from them. Exams-were just as bad, sat silently in a busy hall-I had to be seated at the back, and go against the rules of alphebetical order, I couldnt have anyone sit behind me, the anxiety was too intense.

I got sent to a therapist about my anxiety. It didnt help. All that helped was avoiding the triggering situations.

I left my school after my GCSE's and went to a college, I got very depressed very quickly-I had left behind my routine, and everything I knew, so I begged my school to take me in to their 6th form, they eventually agreed even though I was already 5 weeks behind by now.
6th form was ok, I ended up dropping out of 2 of my 4 subjects, I couldnt take the pressure. I ended up doing just french and psychology. I decided I wanted to work with mental health-yeh, laughable now really isnt it? I wanted to do mental health nursing, councilling, or social work. Of course with only 2 A Levels, I didnt have to grades to get into University.
I left 6th form, and looking back-I was definately depressed, although no one picked up on it. I was jobless, and out of education, while all my friends were going off to Uni and starting their lifes, I just felt stuck. I gained weight. A lot of weight.

2 years of being jobless and depressed, I finally found a job in a care home-I am still there now. (I hate change so much) I also got myself in to an awful relationship, which I was stuck in un until about 4 weeks ago, but I'll get to that...
The relationship messed me up in every way possible. I cant even bare to go into details, but he abused me in every way possible except physically-he was never violent to me. But I often think that would have has less long term damage. I was controlled beyond belief. He was much older than me and knew exactly what he was doing. I did anything he said. Getting up out of bed at 4am while its tipping with rain to meet him and waiting an hour til he actually showed up-just so he could have sex with me, then he was off...thats if he turned up at all. It really was awful I cant even explain.
Myself esteem was zero. I started startving myself. I mean, literally startving. I ate nothing solid for 6 months. I lost 7 stone. People were praising me, saying how good I looked...


I finally felt a bit better about myself, although the relationship went on damaging me, I was doing ok. I stopped self harming, I stopped starving, I ate sensibly, I was going out with friends, went on my 1st holiday with friends, havin a pretty good time compared to previous years.

This next bit is hard. I fell pregnant. My baby girl died in dec 09. My world fell apart. I didnt get out of bed for weeks at a time, I didnt shower, I wasnt in work, I didnt speak to anybody, I either starved, or binged. I was refered to therapy-but had a 9month wait. In that time, I put on 9stone in weight, was self harming, was put on antidepressents, was abusing prescription pain killers to a dangerous level, and was binging daily. Sometimes I purged, often I took laxetives, sometimes I would restrict, sometimes chew and spit-but more often it was binging. I didnt care how fat I was getting. I didnt care about anything honestly.

So thats my story of how I got here. I have been in therapy just over a year-the woman has helped save my life. Literally. I have stopped alot of my destructive behaviours completely, but the eating disorder remains, as strong as ever.

Thats my battle.
Gosh that was hard lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhI4CpAH8wM

Check this out its beautiful. This captures what ED and depression is to me.

Thanks Jaycee for showing me this =)

51 ?!

Hmm...number 51 of my 100 things about me has vanished...I think it was like I love my friends or something?

=/ ok so anyway today I have STRUGGLED. My god. This is what I hate. Days like this.

Its so frustrating. I want to get better NOT be like this!!! It started when my sister left yesterday. I managed to distract myself all evening-I did lots of art, started learning 'Le Onde' on the piano =) (inspired by one of my gorgeous BFF's Jaycee) Check her out btw shes such an amazing person and has helped me so much its untrue >> and yea, I was doing well keeping busy-but today URGHH

I woke up and cried. I dont even know why. But I let it be, I sat with the feelings as my therapist has taught me-but it didnt go away. I cant even put into words the feeling of what its like to be like that-just hopeless and alone and weak and tiredness that just consumes you. Its bloody horrible. Its like depression just wraps itself around your soul and wont let go.



Im trying not to see today as a failure, but a 'blip' that I can learn from. I was trying desperately to go to the gym, but I just didnt have it in me. I wrote 7 letters to some of my fabulous friends I've met while on this journey through depression and eatin issues-which helped but only for an hour or so. I napped cuz I was exhausted physically and mentally-i wasnt even sleeping to block anything out this time, so maybe thats not a fail blip? Maybe thats what normal people do when they are tired? Urgh Im over analysing.

Anyway, lets just say, today wasnt great-BUT tomorrow can only be better, right? =) Im meeting Donna and Katie for shopping, oh and its PAYDAY!!! Im guna pay off my holiday to Mexicooo and buy me and my mum tickets to see ghost the musical for her bday present =)Im guna buy ONE new outfit, not 20 (lol), buy some MAC foundation cuz mines gonezo, and go to TESCO (i actually love tesco) to buy my safe foods. Soup, fruit, tinned veg, salads, pasta, soya milk, low cal hot choc, skinny latte's, natural yoghurt, dried fruit. OOh I can almost feel the relief already. I have had no money for 3 weeks, maybe a bit longer, so I have been living on unsafe foods which has made my binging tonnes worse/makes me not wana go gym/makes me feel awful.

Tomorrow I'll be ok. Im guna make sure of it.
Lovee

100 things about me =O

I wana make my blog more personal. Ruthie asked me to do a video with 10 facts about me-but im too self concious to make videos at the moment, so I copied this off my FB =P

100 Facts About Me =)

1) I wear odd socks. Every day.
2) I'm never awake before 9am
3) I have dimples. And I like them.
4) I will NEVER understand the difference between 'affect' & 'effect'
5) I suck my thumb for most my waking day
6) I get irritable very quickly
7) I have seen a ghost
8) I don't know my left from my right
9) I eat beans & spaghetti cold from the tin
10) Im as stubborn as fuck
11) I believe in God :) I will find him
12) I like cereal on toast
13) I am fiercely loyal to the people in my life that I love
14) If I'm not loyal to you..I obviously don't love you :)
15) My phone is ALWAYS on me
16) I eat with my knife & fork the left handed way
17) I put ketchup on EVERYTHING. Even Christmas dinner
18) I have loved & lost. I will love again
19) Horror films make me happier than comedy's
20) I have over 20 different perfumes
21) I always remember my dreams
22) I have 5 tattoos
23) I have had 15 piercings so far
24) I'm terrified of open water
25) I'm equally as terrified of daddy long legs & stag beatles
26) I am photo obsessed
27) I do what I like. Not what I'm told :)
28) I have trusted where I shouldn't have, and will learn from it
29) I don't drink fizzy drinks. Urgh
30) Cadbury's Bliss, Wispa Gold, KitKat Chunky Caramel = ♥
31) 15/12/09 was the day my world fell apart
32) I like mash potato sandwiches
33) I'm vegetarian
34) I collect giraffes. Not real ones
35) Team Pete ♥
36) The Inbetweeners makes me happy, no matter what
37) I don't smoke, drink, or do drugs 0:)
38) I hate clubbing
39) I rely on a high dose of various medication to stay in one piece
40) Mexico is my most favorite place
41) I hold grudges too easily
42) My room never stays tidy for long
43) I LOVE fireworks
44) I have about 15 pairs of boots
45) Nandos plain veggie pitta & halloumi = ♥
46) McDonalds is disgusting
47) I love my family ♥
48) I NEVER take the hangers when I buy clothes!! ARGH
49) I must have 3 pillows
50) When I was little, I wanted to be a pop star
51) 52) I care more about my pets than I do about a lot of people
53) I like my room to be cold, but my duvet to be warm
54) Blue skys make me happy
55) If you put cucumber on my plate, I will be uncontrollably sick
56) I'm scared to eat apples & oranges incase I swallow a seed
57) I lovee Marmite. Yum
58) Someone has saved my life. I don't know how to thank her
59) My first toy as a kid was a rabbit called Aye Aye ♥
60) I still have her :)
61) My lucky number is 4. I don't know why
62) I hate going up. Lifts. Planes. Rides. Esculators. :(
63) I am very impulsive
64) Makeup & beauty is my life
65) My DVD collection makes my room look like BlockBuster
66) I'm a recovered sun bed addict and proud
67) I LOVE Asda && Tesco's more than ANYTHING on earth!!!!
68) Dead bodies TERRIFY me. I see them alot at work :/
69) The number 69 always makes me laugh
70) See above - I am VERY childish
71) I would not go camping if you paid me
72) Or go to a festival. Yuccck
73) I don't fancy white men. Simples.
74) As a result, my nickname is Africa
75) I think I have a slight lisp...
76) I eat Nesquik powder with a spoon
77) I love my blue eyes
78) Girl Interrupted is my number 1 favorite film
79) Postsecret is amazing
80) White orchids are my favorite flower
81) I hate change
82) I love my hair to my played with
83) I feel uncomfortable talking on the phone
84) I was fluent in French at my peak :)
85) Mozerella Dippers make my life better
86) I hate being late
87) I have a coin collection. Laugh all you like
88) I get migraines a lot :(
89) I wash my hands a lot
90) The thought of eating fish disgusts me
91) I have a hard job forgiving
92) I love sleeping on fresh sheets
93) I love the sound and smell of rain
94) I understand myself as close to 100% as I'm ever guna get
95) I heart massages & back scratches!!
96) I HATE the snow
97) I couldn't live without music
98) I refuse to run for a bus. I'd rather wait an hour. It looks desperate
99) I am easily confused
100) "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

Comfortttt time

So today I had to say goodbye to my sister and nephew. They have been staying for the past week. I love them so much and I hate to say goodbye. I had £3 in my bag-literally thats IT til payday-and I found myself in Tesco's just after waving them off. The feeling of comfort and relief really hit me-just being near food. Knowing I had only £3 was an issue, but just being there was euphoric almost. Im definately wrong in the head.

I spent the money of course

:(

Daah make me happy

Im really struggling recently. Its sooo frustrating. Feel like Im going backwards :( I DONT want to leave therapy. I just dont want to. Im not ready to be on my own, especially as Im doing badly at coping at the moment. I get emotional over the smallest thing. Therapy is basically the only place I cry. When Im not in that room, in that safe place, with that safe person, I cant seem to cry. Which is annoying cuz I want to-I NEED to!!! But I know this will pass. This is just a bad few weeks, I am so determined to get over this. And live my life depression free. Its just not easy.

=|

Ooookay. Deep breath. This is what happened today. and im not using capital letters or proper punctuation or spellcheck or any of that stuff from now on in this blog cuz im purely too lazy. sorry.

So yesterday was a bad day. i woke up and just had nothing to say. i was just sad and wanted to be alone. but i had a session with my therapist in the afternoon, which attending in that mood, was very difficult. i truely feel so awful for wasting her time. shes amazing at her job and i truely try not to think negatively, but if i wasnt sat there silently crying, not even knowing why i was crying, she could be helping someone else. ANNNYWAYYY...we pretty much concluded that since i was rerefered to her, things are infact seeming to get worse. the things left worth discussing and going into are too raw and im just not ready to go there. iv tried. but its put me back a few steps. i need to catch up again-get to the place i was a few months back and just let it be for a while-enjoy the fact i was having good days-not bein angry at myself that not every day is a good day.

Im sad. I wanted her to come on my whole jouney of recovery with me. Feel like we were a little team. but she cant come with me. and that hurts cuz i trust her so much more than i trust anyone else.

Ok I have to stop there cuz im gettin all emotional again :\ kk TODAY!!!.....................

SO i spent the day with my dad brother sis and nephew at a theme park. It was a fab day really, i love it when my sis and bendy are down :)
Had a few little issues. I convinced myself i was too fat for the rides. infact, im still convinced i am. so i only went on 2. Which made me saaad cuz i LOVEEE rides!!!!! but mer. the other issue was lunch. i didnt wana eat. but i had to. my family arent aware of my ed. well, my sister is, but the others arent. so having my stomach full of veggie wrap and chips wasnt the best feeling :\

Anyway, i left early, cuz i had to go to this recovery group - sooo it took me 2 hours 20 mins to find this place. I was already tired [i slept 4 hours last night, and im no good unless i have 11hours lol] and was wet and uncomfortable from the rain and water rides...but i WENT!!! i was so anxious, but i sat though it.

Theres no nice way to put it-this place is for the seriously insane. Before I even took 3 steps onto the grounds i had a marriage proposal from a man i presume was mad.

So anyway i ring the bell at 'building 4'. Nothing. I go round the other side and ring the intercom. Some woman tells me to go through the door to the left. I thank her and then realise-there is no door to the left, you idiot. So i rang it again, and she came out-full of attitude, looked at me like i was an escapee or something, and told me to go to the ED unit. She was so rude. I can now see why patients have been known to attack staff. that bitch. aheeem. ok anyways...

So i go to the ED unit. Notice a bunch on anorexics looking at me through the window as i walk past. TRIGGER. 'i dont have an EATING DISORDER' - 'im not worthy of being here getting help' - 'i cant have an ED unless i look like them' - 'seeing me must be their worst nightmare' ooh gosh-the negative thoughts kept coming.

The nurse told me there was no group and she didnt know what i was talking about.

So i went to the front gate-and spoke to the security guard. he said he would take me to 'room 70, building 4'. Only, when we got there, it was an empty room. Yes. An empty room. So he apologised and sent me home.

Firstly - 2 AND A HALF HOUUUUURS I TRAVELLED!!! battling off a panic attack :\
Secondly - I left feeling a million times worse than when i went in. Anxious, angry, let down, stupid, degraded by that rude nurse urgh...

So yes. I have calmed down a bit now :) luckily. I really have no idea what happened. I called the woman running the group and got voicemail, so i will email her tomorrow. Someone remind me why I bother?! it shouldnt be this difficult to go to a SUPPORT group should it???

D: sorryyy needed to rant lol
Lovvvve xxx mwah

Im trying. Im trying so fucking hard but Im not getting far at all.

I had therapy today. Thought I was guna be ok but I wasnt. I cried most the way through. I cant stand feeling so lost and alone. I just want a cuddle. I want someone to protect me. I hate crying in sessions, my brain switches off then I cant think or speak and I end up wasting the poor womans time and going home feeling worse than I went in. I know it has helped, I know it has, cuz before I started therapy I was an absolute mess of a person. I was in a damaging relationship, abusing prescription pain killers, stuggling with ED and anxiety. At least some of that is fixed. Maybe I should be greatful for that and stop striving to be completely 'recovered'.

Im exhausted.

Mini Break =)

I just spent a weekend with Ruth and Jaycee - 2 fabulous, inspirational girls I met via youtube/twitter.

It was so lovely to not feel judged for my ED. Not have to hide it, and just be completely myself around other people, people who just understood.

Im not guna say I didnt struggle. Of course I did. It was evident that although we all suffered very similarly with our ED's, that I was definately the 'odd one out' so to speak. I dont mean that in a bad way at all, but although we have alot of the same thought processes, and even certain behaviours, it was clear my ED is definately very different from theirs. I found that hard in a way. And confusing in terms of my own diagnosis. I truely dont know what ED i have. And I dont like that. I feel I need to put a name to it. I related so much, I had an AMAZING time and I felt so at home, like I had known them both for years.

I also have to be proud for the fact that I actually overcame so many anxieties and fears all at once; travelling alone, staying away from home, meeting new people, being open about my ED and my story, all while being completely myself and not wearing my usual mask.

I feel in a way that the fight is beginnning to be worth the pain and struggle, for many reasons; the amazing people I have met and know I will be friends with forever, for teaching me to appreciate the good in the tiniest of things and achievements, for making me strong and determined, even when its hard to be...I feel like maybe fate has something to do with all this, and one day, I will look back and I wouldnt want to change a thing because I will be happy with the person it has shaped me in to.

Xxx

Recovery is tough

I want recovery more than anything. But sometimes relapse is easier. Maybe its why I do it so much.

Yesterday I was an absolute state. I ate so much. 1/2 jar of peanut butter, beans and veggie sausages, 2 share bags of chocolate buttons, a big bar of chocolate, 2 packets of crisps, 2 whole packets of biscuits...guess it would add up to about 20 biscuits? Maybe even more. I just felt all hope melt away.

This morning I woke up not sure what to do. Restrict? Or try, yet again, to eat binge free. I had a tin of fruit and a yoghurt. I didnt binge. I dont know why or how I did it. I went to my CBT.

Last week after my session, I went straight to asda for healthy foods, and ended up on a huge binge. Today I wanted to prove to myself that I can go shopping without buying for a binge. Sure, it was a massive risk, but it paid off. I bought some fruit for the week, and no binge food at all. *Proud*

Ok so, its early in the day, only just gone 2pm, but I havent binged yet and I have no plans to do so yet. So I need to see that as an achievement. And I do see that as an achievement. I just has some raspberries and fromage frais...At 3.30 Im planning a late lunch, I need to decide what Im guna eat...then Im going to the doctor, then the gym...

Thats the plan, and for now, Im quite determined to stick to it. =)

can't do this any more. it always wins.

:)

I did it!!! I completed day 1!!! Im so proud of myself right now :)

Another day 1

Hello
I am back on Cambridge, and food is the last thing I want. I want to lose weight, to be healthy, happy, and in control I want to feel pretty. My 2 week binge has gained me 11lb. I can see every single one of those lb. Stuck to my face, my tummy, my legs...I want them GONE again :)

Ok so, cambridge shouldnt be done if you have an ED. I can see why...but what choice do I have?? Even 2 weeks ago, 11lb lighter, I was infinately happier than I am now. Soo mm yeh, thats my thoughts at the moment. But I know myself well enough to know they change very quickly. Maybe in 20mins I will be telling myself I can eat healthy if I just try. Note to self - I can't

The first 4 days are the worst on this diet. Physically, and mentally. Physically, I will be hungry [duh], tired, dizzy, irritated, tummy pains, headache, u name it...
Mentally, my head wil be all over the place...

But no pain no gain, right? Or in this case, no pain, no loss. Its not like I'm doing this as an average weight girl. I need to lose STONES. Realistically, 9 stone. Even then I will be classified as over weight. But I was that weight once before, and happy with it. So thats my aim. 9 stone. Thats disgusting isnt it. How did I let this happen =\

The plan is, now I have 4 days off...

-Sleep in AS LATE AS POSSIBLE!!! [I slept til 1pm today] that way, you can wait til 3 to have your first shake, and u wont be so hungry.

-Drink loads - Helps reduce hunger, and cuz Im off work, going to the loo every 5 minutes isnt a problem. Haha.

-Sleep off any side effects. The side effects can be unbareable-which is why I often give in at some point in the 1st 4 days. Bein at home will help-I can just have a nap. I know napping is a no go for me, but for the next 4 days, it is guna be a life saver.

-7up Zero. I personally cant stand fizzy drinks, I hate them, but again, no pain, no gain, the bubbles will fill me up, won't effect weightloss or ketosis. Win.


-Um...Blog blog blog?? Distract myself by blogging and twitter!!! Er...yeah ;)

I can do it, I can do it! I gained 11 stone after my diagnosis of depression. I have lost 2 of them on this diet already...Just gota stay strong. Depression won't rule my life forever

A new day

Its useless worrying about my binge yesterday. It wont change. It happened. I should learn from it.

Today Im guna start my diet again. I weighed myself. I have put on 8lb in just over 2 weeks. If I stick at it, that could be gone in a week. Just gota be strong :) Im not guna let ED win today. Yesterday it was just easier to give in and let it win, but not today. Im guna stay strong. I know what I need to do.

Its the constant ups and downs that are exhausting. If Im 'up' Im always aware that the 'down' could hit at any time. But I will get there. I will beat ED and I will beat depression.

<3

Merr

Hey
I dont like the word fail. But i failed. I restricted til 8pm soo sure I could make it through the day, then. BAM. ED took control. I cried at work. Just cried and cried cuz I knew wat was guna happen when I got home. I just ate a bag of crisps, 2 mini pringle tubes, a 12 pack of cookies, and a biggg share bar of cadbury fruit and nut. The worst thing is..I feel like I havent even eaten a thing. I wana go downstairs and make toast, and cereal. Mmm. And theres cheese in the fridge, and popcorn in my cupboard. Or I could make pasta. Or cook some veggie sausages and make a sausage sandwich...

Oh my god. Help me? Someone?

Things to make me smile :)

Hello <3
Hm...I dont think anybody reads my blog...lol so I guess hello to..myself?...
Thats ok. Im not sure I would like people reading it anyway :)
Me Myself & I

Well, Im getting ready for work. And I'm so determined to stick to Cambridge 100% today. I have got my fanta zero, sprite zero and 7up free. Urgh, I hate fizzy drinks, but they fill me up when hunger sets in, so I will have to suffer it for now.

No pain no gain.

Im guna have a good day. I am!

<3 <3 <3

SorrRy!!

Okkkkay look, I dont want ANYONE thinkin this is a pro-ED blog. ITS NOT. It couldnt be further from it. But I have Binge Eating Disorder, and struggle with my thoughts surrounding eating and food a lot. They go one way, then the other.

I will be 100% honest in this blog. Vent when I need to, share good days and bad. This is part of my recovery.

I am PRO RECOVERY ALL THE WAY!!! Anyone suffering ANY kind of ED, depression, anxiety...we can and WILL get there!! Stay strong, keep ur head in the game

<3 <3 <3

ED beats me once again

Look, Im sorry about the language, i don't swear often - but FUUUCK!!! What the fuck has happened to me today??? Of course - the chocolate buttons didnt last 10 mins after I had finished my last blog. 145g chocolate gone in minutes. Its sick. Then a huge bag of quavers. Then some things I have forgotton...but I know there was more.

My friend called me 20mins ago
'are u eating tonight?'
'yeah'

As soon as I was off the phone it all just happened too quickly for me to control. I cooked a whole pack of roast pepper pasta, 700kcal in JUST that. Then I add mayo 5 cheese slices, and sweetcorn, just to make it even more full of fat and calories. I feel so sick. I ate it so quickly. I fucking hate myself right now. I can feel the fat sticking to my insides its awful...and yes...I plan on eating another meal in 35 minutes when I meet my friends. Fuck sake. This is too much. Im so huge I have so much weight to lose, but instead of doing something about it, I skip the gym and binge like a heffer all day. Yeh, that makes sense doesn't it. How can I not hate myself right now? Seriously? If I wasnt going out tonight I would be curled up in bed crying my eyes out. But instead, Im preparing for another meal.

Wish someone could help me...its evident I can't help myself when it comes to this.

</3

My blog will have milions of pictures. Sorry about that. Photography is my life <3 pictures make me so happy lol.

Headacheyyy =(

My head is all over the place today. I did well at breakfast, I had strawberries and cherries. Then I got an awful headache. I was so motivated to go to the gym today, but my head hurt so much. The noise of the TV was even killing me so I had to turn it off. This is happening more and more often. I think I need to get my eyes tested. 8) <ha..thats meant to be me wearing glasses..Or maybe I need to stop messing around with my med doses.

Anyway, I toyed with the idea of restricting. Then I binged. Maybe the thought of restricting was a trigger? I don't know. I decided to go to the gym anyway, to make up for the binge. I got on all my gym clothes, but my head pains got worse, so I decided - RESTRICITNG IS THE WAY TODAY!!! <<my heads an absolute mess isnt it lol =S no wonder its hurting, all of this shit twirling round in it!!! Rationally, I know restricitng will fail, and will make me feel more ill, make my headache worse...but I'm scared to 'allow' myself to eat.

I have a giant share bag of chocolate buttons right next to me. I know I wont be able to resist them all day. I know i won't. So why do I do it to myself? I know I should distract myself, go out or whatever, but Im in so much pain =\ argh, annoying much!!! I was meant to be seeing J, but I just called and he got called to a job, so I can't even go to his. I am going out later with Micky Ruth and John...some of the amazing people I met on this stress course I went on recently...that will be a distraction for the evening at least. Unless we end up at the Indian like last time...

That was one of the few times I managed to purge properly. I cant seem to get the hang of it. Maybe cuz the thought of being sick TERRIFIES me =( At that point though, having the food in me terrified me more. I was on the bus going home and googling 'easy ways to purge' on my phone. Yeh. Wrongun. I hadn't eaten anything solid for about 4 weeks before that meal, just milkshakes, so you can imagine the agony I was in after eating a huge meal. Not that that justifies a thing. It doesn't.

Mmm..ok. Peace out guys <3

Pro Recovery. All the way xx some pics that I LOVEEE

I dont wana be SKINNY. Just NORMAL =/

hello =)

Apparently...blogging is thereputic? Did I even spell that right? Whoa...thats a good start..lol...Hm well, I may as well give it a go. Nothing to lose :)


Today I binged. I started the day convinced I would restrict completely. Eat nothing. At all. But I had a CBT appointment, so I thought it best to eat first. I had a yoghurt...


After my session, I found myself on the bus to the supermarket. Where i started off buying pineapple, with every good intention. Of course, it didnt end well. I ended up with sooo much food. I got home and ate it all.


Then I went out for dinner with some friends. I actually had a lovely time :) But maybe I didnt need a carvery [minus the meat of course] and a turkish delight cheesecake :\ I want the evil food out of me. I hate the feeling. I feel like I have put on a stone today alone. Not good. It makes me feel so weak and useless, and scared. I mean, I have 9stone to lose!! Im not guna lose it but stuffing my mouth with chocolate, cakes, peanuts, carvery and cheesecake, am I?...


But I just can't stop myself. The need to binge just WON'T go away til i give in. I hate it. I sit here wishing I had anorexia. I know thats awful. But at least I would have control. At least I would be thin.