My Story

Ok-requested by Amy (another gorgeous friend I've met on my journey) A blog about my story. This is a tough one.

Always painfully shy, insecure, and clingy with my mum. I witnessed a lot of violence as a child, and was on the receiving end of it often. Please dont think I mean my dad-my dad has never been violent.
I was scared to leave my mums side incase she got hurt. As young as 5 or 6 I felt like her protector.
My dad was, and still is, an alcholic.
When I was 5, one of my little brothers died. I remember scratching at my finger, making a 'chicken scratch'...nothing hurt emotionally if something hurt physically. That was a slippery slope. Where I got the idea from, I will never know.

At primary school, my 1st memory is of me standing in a line with all the other kids waiting to get our drawings marked by our teacher. I was holding my book, open, over my tummy, convinced I was fat and disgusting. I remember it so well-conciously hiding my body even at that age. I wasnt fat. I was just a normal 6 year old.

All through school I felt like the odd one out. My disordered eating started very young. I was convinced I was fat, so I would throw my lunch away, throw it under the table (an 8 year old isnt that subtle) and do anything to avoid eating it. It was either that, or it went the other way conmpletely. I would be so hungry from not eating, that I felt like I needed all the food in the world. What I had in my lunch box never seemed enough. I went out of class to the cloakroom plenty of time to 'get my pencil' and would steal food out of other childrens lunch boxes. It is shameful looking back, but I was a child, I knew it was wrong, but I needed that food.

I started getting teased. Nothing serious. I was about 9 or 10 and a boy in my class started calling my fat, every day-day in day out 'You're fat' <
My the time I went to secondary school, I was bigger than average, still not 'fat' but definately bigger. And I was concious of it every second of every day. Kids in secondary school can be nasty. I was called fat often-by various different people, I wasnt bullied as such, just name calling and one incident a girl pulled my hair as I was walking home and yep-called me fat-you guessed it.
I was constantly insecure about every part of myself, I started cutting myself age 14. It turned into something I could control, my secret that no one would ever know about. A few times people did notice, but nothing was said. I started cutting daily. I started having panic attacks in crowded places, I refused to do PE because I was sooo uncomfortable with my body the thought of getting changed even terrified me to tears. I had a panic attack in PE once, and never did it again after that. Assemblies were another thing-I had panic attacks in about 5 assemblies before my mum agreed to write a note excusing me from them. Exams-were just as bad, sat silently in a busy hall-I had to be seated at the back, and go against the rules of alphebetical order, I couldnt have anyone sit behind me, the anxiety was too intense.

I got sent to a therapist about my anxiety. It didnt help. All that helped was avoiding the triggering situations.

I left my school after my GCSE's and went to a college, I got very depressed very quickly-I had left behind my routine, and everything I knew, so I begged my school to take me in to their 6th form, they eventually agreed even though I was already 5 weeks behind by now.
6th form was ok, I ended up dropping out of 2 of my 4 subjects, I couldnt take the pressure. I ended up doing just french and psychology. I decided I wanted to work with mental health-yeh, laughable now really isnt it? I wanted to do mental health nursing, councilling, or social work. Of course with only 2 A Levels, I didnt have to grades to get into University.
I left 6th form, and looking back-I was definately depressed, although no one picked up on it. I was jobless, and out of education, while all my friends were going off to Uni and starting their lifes, I just felt stuck. I gained weight. A lot of weight.

2 years of being jobless and depressed, I finally found a job in a care home-I am still there now. (I hate change so much) I also got myself in to an awful relationship, which I was stuck in un until about 4 weeks ago, but I'll get to that...
The relationship messed me up in every way possible. I cant even bare to go into details, but he abused me in every way possible except physically-he was never violent to me. But I often think that would have has less long term damage. I was controlled beyond belief. He was much older than me and knew exactly what he was doing. I did anything he said. Getting up out of bed at 4am while its tipping with rain to meet him and waiting an hour til he actually showed up-just so he could have sex with me, then he was off...thats if he turned up at all. It really was awful I cant even explain.
Myself esteem was zero. I started startving myself. I mean, literally startving. I ate nothing solid for 6 months. I lost 7 stone. People were praising me, saying how good I looked...


I finally felt a bit better about myself, although the relationship went on damaging me, I was doing ok. I stopped self harming, I stopped starving, I ate sensibly, I was going out with friends, went on my 1st holiday with friends, havin a pretty good time compared to previous years.

This next bit is hard. I fell pregnant. My baby girl died in dec 09. My world fell apart. I didnt get out of bed for weeks at a time, I didnt shower, I wasnt in work, I didnt speak to anybody, I either starved, or binged. I was refered to therapy-but had a 9month wait. In that time, I put on 9stone in weight, was self harming, was put on antidepressents, was abusing prescription pain killers to a dangerous level, and was binging daily. Sometimes I purged, often I took laxetives, sometimes I would restrict, sometimes chew and spit-but more often it was binging. I didnt care how fat I was getting. I didnt care about anything honestly.

So thats my story of how I got here. I have been in therapy just over a year-the woman has helped save my life. Literally. I have stopped alot of my destructive behaviours completely, but the eating disorder remains, as strong as ever.

Thats my battle.
Gosh that was hard lol