Anyway, I toyed with the idea of restricting. Then I binged. Maybe the thought of restricting was a trigger? I don't know. I decided to go to the gym anyway, to make up for the binge. I got on all my gym clothes, but my head pains got worse, so I decided - RESTRICITNG IS THE WAY TODAY!!! <<my heads an absolute mess isnt it lol =S no wonder its hurting, all of this shit twirling round in it!!! Rationally, I know restricitng will fail, and will make me feel more ill, make my headache worse...but I'm scared to 'allow' myself to eat.
I have a giant share bag of chocolate buttons right next to me. I know I wont be able to resist them all day. I know i won't. So why do I do it to myself? I know I should distract myself, go out or whatever, but Im in so much pain =\ argh, annoying much!!! I was meant to be seeing J, but I just called and he got called to a job, so I can't even go to his. I am going out later with Micky Ruth and John...some of the amazing people I met on this stress course I went on recently...that will be a distraction for the evening at least. Unless we end up at the Indian like last time...
That was one of the few times I managed to purge properly. I cant seem to get the hang of it. Maybe cuz the thought of being sick TERRIFIES me =( At that point though, having the food in me terrified me more. I was on the bus going home and googling 'easy ways to purge' on my phone. Yeh. Wrongun. I hadn't eaten anything solid for about 4 weeks before that meal, just milkshakes, so you can imagine the agony I was in after eating a huge meal. Not that that justifies a thing. It doesn't.
Mmm..ok. Peace out guys <3
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