It took me a while to realise, that I might actually be happy for my dad. I am happy that he doesn't have to wake up each morning knowing he is fighting a losing battle against a demon that is so much stronger than he is. Maybe I need to stop seeing it as him losing his fight. Maybe he won. He's the one who's no longer suffering. How can that be seen as losing? he's pain free, nothing can hurt him anymore. Maybe he got it right. There's not one single part f me that's angry AT him for this. I'm angry at the situation, of course, but him-I understand. Because I really feel like this is guna beat me. DBT helps to a point, but it doesn't make the pain go, it makes the pain worse and it hurts every second to be alive right now. It physically hurts. It's unbareably and I want it to stop. I don't know what skill I'm missing. I honestly try every one. 10minutes ago I had a blade to my wrist. I realised I was having trouble using it because I'm sad, not angry, so I try to act opposite, but the thought of putting on a comedy makes me want to be sick. I cannot do anything to take this sadness away and I've been accepting it and sitting with it, but it won't fucking go, it gets worse, it demands I take things into my own hands and deal with it my own way. I want to be at peace, with my dad, I wish I could swap places. I wish I Was brave enough. I keep praying to get injured really badly, so my pain is visible. I wana lay on the floor bleeding with broken bones so people can understand how i feel. Thats how i feel inside. The sad truth is that I'm no ones first choice, I never will be. If I died, a few maybe sad for a while, but life would go on, they wouldn't be sad forever, I would be quickly forgotten about. I think it would be ok. I'm not important to anyone,not really. People close to me always end up hating me. Rachel, j, emilly.. People that promised to love me forever. Fuck forever. I don't have a future worth waiting for. No one can get better from this. Mastery isn't enough to make me want to stay alive, nor is mindfulness, it may have its time and place where it helps but how can mindfulness or urge surfing or self soothing stop me from wishing I was dead?