Mmm..yeh...im doing kinda ok?...Ive spent some time drowsy as hell due to my meds increase, but yeahh...
Im ok-still going, and although I have had a bad week or so - I am still striving for recovery.
I had an incident at work 2 days ago which destroyed any self confidence I may have had left...being called fat and taken the piss out of by my college behind my back. I found out, went down and absolutely lost it with him, I was literally screaming in his face that unless he had the first clue how I suffer every day with my weight and self image and food and fat then he had no right to make comment.
I also got a letter from my therapist - my doc. It made very awkward reading. I feel like a statistic.
Hmm k Im still more drowsy than I thought I was, I'll blog another time.
Xxx
Saturday, 20 August 2011
Tuesday, 16 August 2011
Hello =)
Kk, so after my blip last week, I finally got the courage to visit my GP yesterday and tell her how bad things had got. It was hard, I didnt want to admit that I was struggling. I don't know whats happened to me - where have my good days gone? My good days turned into good hours, then good minutes, until I reached this point, where my mood changes every other minute almost. I need to continue with my CBT skills but its hard when one minute I wana recover, and the next minute I think I deserve to suffer. I need to keep challenging these thoughts, and I am for the most part. Im not guna be beaten. No way. Not ever.
So my medication has been increased to maximum dose. This really disapointed me. I didnt want my meds to be upped, I wanted my meds to be DEcreased, and I wana be off them at some point - increasing my dose just put my target of bein clean of medication so much further from my grasp. At the same time, I realise these people are only doing their best for me and I should trust their judgement. I'm guna beat this one day I swear it.
Xxx
Kk, so after my blip last week, I finally got the courage to visit my GP yesterday and tell her how bad things had got. It was hard, I didnt want to admit that I was struggling. I don't know whats happened to me - where have my good days gone? My good days turned into good hours, then good minutes, until I reached this point, where my mood changes every other minute almost. I need to continue with my CBT skills but its hard when one minute I wana recover, and the next minute I think I deserve to suffer. I need to keep challenging these thoughts, and I am for the most part. Im not guna be beaten. No way. Not ever.
So my medication has been increased to maximum dose. This really disapointed me. I didnt want my meds to be upped, I wanted my meds to be DEcreased, and I wana be off them at some point - increasing my dose just put my target of bein clean of medication so much further from my grasp. At the same time, I realise these people are only doing their best for me and I should trust their judgement. I'm guna beat this one day I swear it.
Xxx
Monday, 8 August 2011
Lost
I feel like I have lost myself.
On saturday night I took an overdose and cut my arm needing stitches. J completely rejected me. I couldnt take any more abandonment, especially from J. Im so in love with him and it just destroyed me.
Looking back, he was only being honest with me - telling me we cant be together at the moment, but my head twisted it all around and I convinced myself he hated me. Even though he said to me 'You are such a good and beautiful person' and that he loves me as a friend,...but no, in my head, he hated me.
All I needed was to hurt myself, I tried desperately to cling to the skills I learnt in CBT, I went for a walk, but my emotions were controlling me, in about the space of 5 minutes I felt everything sad, scared, alone, hopeless, angry, back to alone again. But mostly I was scared and rejected. I called a friend, but as soon as I heard her voice I felt guilty - this wasnt her problem, it was mine, and that meant I had to deal with it alone. So I hung up. Not wanting to worry her or burden her. I was so angry at myself. I went home, not being able to think clearly at all-all I could focus on was needing to stop the pain. Yeah, at that time, I wanted to die.
I started taking tablets. One after the other after the other after the other. I don't know how many I took. As suddenly as the urge to take tablets had hit me, the urge to stop taking them overtook - Thank God. I was shocked at what I found myself doing, I knew better than this. I cut my arm, not to kill myself, not to hurt myself even, but to almost snap myself back to reality? Maybe that makes no sense. But it worked. I made myself sick, not wanting to die anymore - realising how stupid I had been, and tryin to get the tablets out of me. My arm was cut pretty bad. I knew I needed a hospital. But I was scared. What if they locked me up? What if they never let me out? What if they contacted my family? I couldnt have anyone worry about me.
I walked myself to a&e. By this point I was clammy and shaking, not sure if it was the tablets, or the panic and anxiety, or the guilt and shame, or the shock of the depths I had sunk to, I don't know. I sat shaking in the waiting room, bleeding through the old t-shirt I was holding around my arm. An old lady asked if I was ok. I just cried, wondering why she was being so nice to me when I didnt deserve her concern. She talked to me about her reasons for being in a&e - she had reacted to a mosquito bite or a wasp sting and her arm was swollen. I dont think I said a single word to her, but she talked to me til I was called to triage. I wish I could thank her now. And say sorry for not talking back. She said 'It will be ok', and I managed half a smile through the tears.
Triage dressed my arm and did my obs which were all over the place, my pulse was 109. She said its jus cuz I'd been crying and not to worry, then took me to this little room. Where I waited - i had to wait til 11 before I had blood tests, a doctor came and asked me a bunch of questions. Did I want to die? How do I explain to a total stranger what was in my head? I had wanted to die, but I changed my mind. That sounds so stupid - but if I wanted to die, I wouldnt have made myself sick, I wouldnt have gone to hospital. But I hated the thought that they were probably thinking it was for attention or a 'cry for help' because it wasnt...I just lost grip of the mountain I've been climbing for a few minutes, and I fell to the bottom. But I got up again. How do I explain that to a doctor I'd never met? He said he had called the hospital psychiatrist.
She eventually arrived and asked me loads of questions. 45 minutes later, she left me with a diagnosis of 'Emotionally Unstable personality disorder' [Borderline personality disorder] and all she had to say was 'keep up with the skills you learnt in CBT' and she left, happy I was stable enough to go home once my bloods were done and my arm was stitched.
The next few hours aren't worth talking about - my bloods showed my organs were fine, the nurse said its good I was sick so quickly after taking the tablets, and she sorted my arm out. She was so nice, asking me why I did it, and to please not hurt myself again. And I was free to go.
Free to go home where it hit me - I had a new diagnosis to worry about now. I just wana talk to Rebecca =( but I can't. And I wana talk to J, but I can't.
xXxXxXx sorry - just needed to get this out xXxXxXx
On saturday night I took an overdose and cut my arm needing stitches. J completely rejected me. I couldnt take any more abandonment, especially from J. Im so in love with him and it just destroyed me.
Looking back, he was only being honest with me - telling me we cant be together at the moment, but my head twisted it all around and I convinced myself he hated me. Even though he said to me 'You are such a good and beautiful person' and that he loves me as a friend,...but no, in my head, he hated me.
All I needed was to hurt myself, I tried desperately to cling to the skills I learnt in CBT, I went for a walk, but my emotions were controlling me, in about the space of 5 minutes I felt everything sad, scared, alone, hopeless, angry, back to alone again. But mostly I was scared and rejected. I called a friend, but as soon as I heard her voice I felt guilty - this wasnt her problem, it was mine, and that meant I had to deal with it alone. So I hung up. Not wanting to worry her or burden her. I was so angry at myself. I went home, not being able to think clearly at all-all I could focus on was needing to stop the pain. Yeah, at that time, I wanted to die.
I started taking tablets. One after the other after the other after the other. I don't know how many I took. As suddenly as the urge to take tablets had hit me, the urge to stop taking them overtook - Thank God. I was shocked at what I found myself doing, I knew better than this. I cut my arm, not to kill myself, not to hurt myself even, but to almost snap myself back to reality? Maybe that makes no sense. But it worked. I made myself sick, not wanting to die anymore - realising how stupid I had been, and tryin to get the tablets out of me. My arm was cut pretty bad. I knew I needed a hospital. But I was scared. What if they locked me up? What if they never let me out? What if they contacted my family? I couldnt have anyone worry about me.
I walked myself to a&e. By this point I was clammy and shaking, not sure if it was the tablets, or the panic and anxiety, or the guilt and shame, or the shock of the depths I had sunk to, I don't know. I sat shaking in the waiting room, bleeding through the old t-shirt I was holding around my arm. An old lady asked if I was ok. I just cried, wondering why she was being so nice to me when I didnt deserve her concern. She talked to me about her reasons for being in a&e - she had reacted to a mosquito bite or a wasp sting and her arm was swollen. I dont think I said a single word to her, but she talked to me til I was called to triage. I wish I could thank her now. And say sorry for not talking back. She said 'It will be ok', and I managed half a smile through the tears.
Triage dressed my arm and did my obs which were all over the place, my pulse was 109. She said its jus cuz I'd been crying and not to worry, then took me to this little room. Where I waited - i had to wait til 11 before I had blood tests, a doctor came and asked me a bunch of questions. Did I want to die? How do I explain to a total stranger what was in my head? I had wanted to die, but I changed my mind. That sounds so stupid - but if I wanted to die, I wouldnt have made myself sick, I wouldnt have gone to hospital. But I hated the thought that they were probably thinking it was for attention or a 'cry for help' because it wasnt...I just lost grip of the mountain I've been climbing for a few minutes, and I fell to the bottom. But I got up again. How do I explain that to a doctor I'd never met? He said he had called the hospital psychiatrist.
She eventually arrived and asked me loads of questions. 45 minutes later, she left me with a diagnosis of 'Emotionally Unstable personality disorder' [Borderline personality disorder] and all she had to say was 'keep up with the skills you learnt in CBT' and she left, happy I was stable enough to go home once my bloods were done and my arm was stitched.
The next few hours aren't worth talking about - my bloods showed my organs were fine, the nurse said its good I was sick so quickly after taking the tablets, and she sorted my arm out. She was so nice, asking me why I did it, and to please not hurt myself again. And I was free to go.
Free to go home where it hit me - I had a new diagnosis to worry about now. I just wana talk to Rebecca =( but I can't. And I wana talk to J, but I can't.
xXxXxXx sorry - just needed to get this out xXxXxXx
Monday, 1 August 2011
well the other day I was net fishing with my nephew, and I saw a ladybird in the river, I scooped it out with the net =) *warm fuzzy feeling*
A few weeks ago, I was on my way home from therapy, it was SCORCHINGGGG hot, there was a snail moving across the pavement, poor thing, I picked him up and put him in the shade on a nice crispy green leaf...saved.
I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPERRRRCUTE:
http://1000awesomethings.com/
1000 awesome things; number 194
WHEN INSECTS ARE STRUGGLING TO DO SOMETHING AND YOU HELP THEM
Picture this; You’re biking down the leaf-slicked sidestreets of your hometown when you suddenly lose your balance and fly head first over the handlebars straight into the curb. You smack it hard and are left lying in a twisted mess of bike chains and bloody legs.
But then! Just as the shock is setting in and you start getting your bearings, the clouds above you suddenly part and a giant hand reaches down from the heavens and picks you up and sets you on your feet. Then the hand zooms away and you’re left standing in the middle of the road all dazed and confused.
That’s what I picture it must have felt like to the upside-down beetle I flipped back over the other day. Yes, he was just lying on his back like a fool, arms and legs frantically pawing the air in a terrible attempt to flip over. Well I flicked him a bit and he flipped over before scampering away to safety.
Hey, sometimes insects just need our help.
Next time you release a fly from its Between-Sliding-Glass-Doors Prison or let a bumblebee banging its skull against your bedroom window buzz away, just stop to enjoy the moment of helping a fellow living thing out. After all, we’re all sharing the same planet, we’re all sharing the same sun, and it’s great helping an insect do something, so it can get its doing something done.
A few weeks ago, I was on my way home from therapy, it was SCORCHINGGGG hot, there was a snail moving across the pavement, poor thing, I picked him up and put him in the shade on a nice crispy green leaf...saved.
I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPERRRRCUTE:
http://1000awesomethings.com/
1000 awesome things; number 194
WHEN INSECTS ARE STRUGGLING TO DO SOMETHING AND YOU HELP THEM
Picture this; You’re biking down the leaf-slicked sidestreets of your hometown when you suddenly lose your balance and fly head first over the handlebars straight into the curb. You smack it hard and are left lying in a twisted mess of bike chains and bloody legs.
But then! Just as the shock is setting in and you start getting your bearings, the clouds above you suddenly part and a giant hand reaches down from the heavens and picks you up and sets you on your feet. Then the hand zooms away and you’re left standing in the middle of the road all dazed and confused.
That’s what I picture it must have felt like to the upside-down beetle I flipped back over the other day. Yes, he was just lying on his back like a fool, arms and legs frantically pawing the air in a terrible attempt to flip over. Well I flicked him a bit and he flipped over before scampering away to safety.
Hey, sometimes insects just need our help.
Next time you release a fly from its Between-Sliding-Glass-Doors Prison or let a bumblebee banging its skull against your bedroom window buzz away, just stop to enjoy the moment of helping a fellow living thing out. After all, we’re all sharing the same planet, we’re all sharing the same sun, and it’s great helping an insect do something, so it can get its doing something done.
On my own
Today I had my last session with my therapist =( I hated saying goodbye to the person who has helped save my life. It was like losing a friend. I wana take her with me on the rest of my journey to recovery. But I can't. That makes me sad.
So I got home, had lunch, and watched some TV. I wanted to go to the gym, but I started having a headache that soon turned into a migraine. I was meant to go shopping with Soph, but I was in so much pain I just couldn't. Instantly, that made me feel like I failed - I was not meant to go home and sit in bed watching TV, that was not the plan =/ I think the stress building up over the past 2 weeks, me gettin anxious about finishing therapy just caught up with me. I hate getting migraines, they completely disable me, then when the pains finally gone, I'm left exhausted. Im not making excuses for failing my plans, but maybe I'll let my self off this once? I'm okay - I'm sad, but I'm not in bed crying, I'm in bed resting. Thats okay, right? =S Hmm. Well, I painted my nails, like we agreed I would, and Im guna continue learning 'Le Onde' on the piano in a bit. So its not a total fail.
So it's just me against the world now. Of course, I have the most incredible support, from my friends and my online recovery family =) but...not having the support of an understanding therapist is guna be extemely hard for me to get used to.
Sigggh
*hugs*
Thanks for readin guys xx
My inspiration for recovery is now my gorgeous nephew...
So I got home, had lunch, and watched some TV. I wanted to go to the gym, but I started having a headache that soon turned into a migraine. I was meant to go shopping with Soph, but I was in so much pain I just couldn't. Instantly, that made me feel like I failed - I was not meant to go home and sit in bed watching TV, that was not the plan =/ I think the stress building up over the past 2 weeks, me gettin anxious about finishing therapy just caught up with me. I hate getting migraines, they completely disable me, then when the pains finally gone, I'm left exhausted. Im not making excuses for failing my plans, but maybe I'll let my self off this once? I'm okay - I'm sad, but I'm not in bed crying, I'm in bed resting. Thats okay, right? =S Hmm. Well, I painted my nails, like we agreed I would, and Im guna continue learning 'Le Onde' on the piano in a bit. So its not a total fail.
So it's just me against the world now. Of course, I have the most incredible support, from my friends and my online recovery family =) but...not having the support of an understanding therapist is guna be extemely hard for me to get used to.
Sigggh
*hugs*
Thanks for readin guys xx
My inspiration for recovery is now my gorgeous nephew...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)