51 ?!

Hmm...number 51 of my 100 things about me has vanished...I think it was like I love my friends or something?

=/ ok so anyway today I have STRUGGLED. My god. This is what I hate. Days like this.

Its so frustrating. I want to get better NOT be like this!!! It started when my sister left yesterday. I managed to distract myself all evening-I did lots of art, started learning 'Le Onde' on the piano =) (inspired by one of my gorgeous BFF's Jaycee) Check her out btw shes such an amazing person and has helped me so much its untrue >> and yea, I was doing well keeping busy-but today URGHH

I woke up and cried. I dont even know why. But I let it be, I sat with the feelings as my therapist has taught me-but it didnt go away. I cant even put into words the feeling of what its like to be like that-just hopeless and alone and weak and tiredness that just consumes you. Its bloody horrible. Its like depression just wraps itself around your soul and wont let go.



Im trying not to see today as a failure, but a 'blip' that I can learn from. I was trying desperately to go to the gym, but I just didnt have it in me. I wrote 7 letters to some of my fabulous friends I've met while on this journey through depression and eatin issues-which helped but only for an hour or so. I napped cuz I was exhausted physically and mentally-i wasnt even sleeping to block anything out this time, so maybe thats not a fail blip? Maybe thats what normal people do when they are tired? Urgh Im over analysing.

Anyway, lets just say, today wasnt great-BUT tomorrow can only be better, right? =) Im meeting Donna and Katie for shopping, oh and its PAYDAY!!! Im guna pay off my holiday to Mexicooo and buy me and my mum tickets to see ghost the musical for her bday present =)Im guna buy ONE new outfit, not 20 (lol), buy some MAC foundation cuz mines gonezo, and go to TESCO (i actually love tesco) to buy my safe foods. Soup, fruit, tinned veg, salads, pasta, soya milk, low cal hot choc, skinny latte's, natural yoghurt, dried fruit. OOh I can almost feel the relief already. I have had no money for 3 weeks, maybe a bit longer, so I have been living on unsafe foods which has made my binging tonnes worse/makes me not wana go gym/makes me feel awful.

Tomorrow I'll be ok. Im guna make sure of it.
Lovee