Recovery is tough

I want recovery more than anything. But sometimes relapse is easier. Maybe its why I do it so much.

Yesterday I was an absolute state. I ate so much. 1/2 jar of peanut butter, beans and veggie sausages, 2 share bags of chocolate buttons, a big bar of chocolate, 2 packets of crisps, 2 whole packets of biscuits...guess it would add up to about 20 biscuits? Maybe even more. I just felt all hope melt away.

This morning I woke up not sure what to do. Restrict? Or try, yet again, to eat binge free. I had a tin of fruit and a yoghurt. I didnt binge. I dont know why or how I did it. I went to my CBT.

Last week after my session, I went straight to asda for healthy foods, and ended up on a huge binge. Today I wanted to prove to myself that I can go shopping without buying for a binge. Sure, it was a massive risk, but it paid off. I bought some fruit for the week, and no binge food at all. *Proud*

Ok so, its early in the day, only just gone 2pm, but I havent binged yet and I have no plans to do so yet. So I need to see that as an achievement. And I do see that as an achievement. I just has some raspberries and fromage frais...At 3.30 Im planning a late lunch, I need to decide what Im guna eat...then Im going to the doctor, then the gym...

Thats the plan, and for now, Im quite determined to stick to it. =)

can't do this any more. it always wins.

:)

I did it!!! I completed day 1!!! Im so proud of myself right now :)

Another day 1

Hello
I am back on Cambridge, and food is the last thing I want. I want to lose weight, to be healthy, happy, and in control I want to feel pretty. My 2 week binge has gained me 11lb. I can see every single one of those lb. Stuck to my face, my tummy, my legs...I want them GONE again :)

Ok so, cambridge shouldnt be done if you have an ED. I can see why...but what choice do I have?? Even 2 weeks ago, 11lb lighter, I was infinately happier than I am now. Soo mm yeh, thats my thoughts at the moment. But I know myself well enough to know they change very quickly. Maybe in 20mins I will be telling myself I can eat healthy if I just try. Note to self - I can't

The first 4 days are the worst on this diet. Physically, and mentally. Physically, I will be hungry [duh], tired, dizzy, irritated, tummy pains, headache, u name it...
Mentally, my head wil be all over the place...

But no pain no gain, right? Or in this case, no pain, no loss. Its not like I'm doing this as an average weight girl. I need to lose STONES. Realistically, 9 stone. Even then I will be classified as over weight. But I was that weight once before, and happy with it. So thats my aim. 9 stone. Thats disgusting isnt it. How did I let this happen =\

The plan is, now I have 4 days off...

-Sleep in AS LATE AS POSSIBLE!!! [I slept til 1pm today] that way, you can wait til 3 to have your first shake, and u wont be so hungry.

-Drink loads - Helps reduce hunger, and cuz Im off work, going to the loo every 5 minutes isnt a problem. Haha.

-Sleep off any side effects. The side effects can be unbareable-which is why I often give in at some point in the 1st 4 days. Bein at home will help-I can just have a nap. I know napping is a no go for me, but for the next 4 days, it is guna be a life saver.

-7up Zero. I personally cant stand fizzy drinks, I hate them, but again, no pain, no gain, the bubbles will fill me up, won't effect weightloss or ketosis. Win.


-Um...Blog blog blog?? Distract myself by blogging and twitter!!! Er...yeah ;)

I can do it, I can do it! I gained 11 stone after my diagnosis of depression. I have lost 2 of them on this diet already...Just gota stay strong. Depression won't rule my life forever

A new day

Its useless worrying about my binge yesterday. It wont change. It happened. I should learn from it.

Today Im guna start my diet again. I weighed myself. I have put on 8lb in just over 2 weeks. If I stick at it, that could be gone in a week. Just gota be strong :) Im not guna let ED win today. Yesterday it was just easier to give in and let it win, but not today. Im guna stay strong. I know what I need to do.

Its the constant ups and downs that are exhausting. If Im 'up' Im always aware that the 'down' could hit at any time. But I will get there. I will beat ED and I will beat depression.

<3

Merr

Hey
I dont like the word fail. But i failed. I restricted til 8pm soo sure I could make it through the day, then. BAM. ED took control. I cried at work. Just cried and cried cuz I knew wat was guna happen when I got home. I just ate a bag of crisps, 2 mini pringle tubes, a 12 pack of cookies, and a biggg share bar of cadbury fruit and nut. The worst thing is..I feel like I havent even eaten a thing. I wana go downstairs and make toast, and cereal. Mmm. And theres cheese in the fridge, and popcorn in my cupboard. Or I could make pasta. Or cook some veggie sausages and make a sausage sandwich...

Oh my god. Help me? Someone?

Things to make me smile :)

Hello <3
Hm...I dont think anybody reads my blog...lol so I guess hello to..myself?...
Thats ok. Im not sure I would like people reading it anyway :)
Me Myself & I

Well, Im getting ready for work. And I'm so determined to stick to Cambridge 100% today. I have got my fanta zero, sprite zero and 7up free. Urgh, I hate fizzy drinks, but they fill me up when hunger sets in, so I will have to suffer it for now.

No pain no gain.

Im guna have a good day. I am!

<3 <3 <3

SorrRy!!

Okkkkay look, I dont want ANYONE thinkin this is a pro-ED blog. ITS NOT. It couldnt be further from it. But I have Binge Eating Disorder, and struggle with my thoughts surrounding eating and food a lot. They go one way, then the other.

I will be 100% honest in this blog. Vent when I need to, share good days and bad. This is part of my recovery.

I am PRO RECOVERY ALL THE WAY!!! Anyone suffering ANY kind of ED, depression, anxiety...we can and WILL get there!! Stay strong, keep ur head in the game

<3 <3 <3

ED beats me once again

Look, Im sorry about the language, i don't swear often - but FUUUCK!!! What the fuck has happened to me today??? Of course - the chocolate buttons didnt last 10 mins after I had finished my last blog. 145g chocolate gone in minutes. Its sick. Then a huge bag of quavers. Then some things I have forgotton...but I know there was more.

My friend called me 20mins ago
'are u eating tonight?'
'yeah'

As soon as I was off the phone it all just happened too quickly for me to control. I cooked a whole pack of roast pepper pasta, 700kcal in JUST that. Then I add mayo 5 cheese slices, and sweetcorn, just to make it even more full of fat and calories. I feel so sick. I ate it so quickly. I fucking hate myself right now. I can feel the fat sticking to my insides its awful...and yes...I plan on eating another meal in 35 minutes when I meet my friends. Fuck sake. This is too much. Im so huge I have so much weight to lose, but instead of doing something about it, I skip the gym and binge like a heffer all day. Yeh, that makes sense doesn't it. How can I not hate myself right now? Seriously? If I wasnt going out tonight I would be curled up in bed crying my eyes out. But instead, Im preparing for another meal.

Wish someone could help me...its evident I can't help myself when it comes to this.

</3

My blog will have milions of pictures. Sorry about that. Photography is my life <3 pictures make me so happy lol.

Headacheyyy =(

My head is all over the place today. I did well at breakfast, I had strawberries and cherries. Then I got an awful headache. I was so motivated to go to the gym today, but my head hurt so much. The noise of the TV was even killing me so I had to turn it off. This is happening more and more often. I think I need to get my eyes tested. 8) <ha..thats meant to be me wearing glasses..Or maybe I need to stop messing around with my med doses.

Anyway, I toyed with the idea of restricting. Then I binged. Maybe the thought of restricting was a trigger? I don't know. I decided to go to the gym anyway, to make up for the binge. I got on all my gym clothes, but my head pains got worse, so I decided - RESTRICITNG IS THE WAY TODAY!!! <<my heads an absolute mess isnt it lol =S no wonder its hurting, all of this shit twirling round in it!!! Rationally, I know restricitng will fail, and will make me feel more ill, make my headache worse...but I'm scared to 'allow' myself to eat.

I have a giant share bag of chocolate buttons right next to me. I know I wont be able to resist them all day. I know i won't. So why do I do it to myself? I know I should distract myself, go out or whatever, but Im in so much pain =\ argh, annoying much!!! I was meant to be seeing J, but I just called and he got called to a job, so I can't even go to his. I am going out later with Micky Ruth and John...some of the amazing people I met on this stress course I went on recently...that will be a distraction for the evening at least. Unless we end up at the Indian like last time...

That was one of the few times I managed to purge properly. I cant seem to get the hang of it. Maybe cuz the thought of being sick TERRIFIES me =( At that point though, having the food in me terrified me more. I was on the bus going home and googling 'easy ways to purge' on my phone. Yeh. Wrongun. I hadn't eaten anything solid for about 4 weeks before that meal, just milkshakes, so you can imagine the agony I was in after eating a huge meal. Not that that justifies a thing. It doesn't.

Mmm..ok. Peace out guys <3

Pro Recovery. All the way xx some pics that I LOVEEE

I dont wana be SKINNY. Just NORMAL =/

hello =)

Apparently...blogging is thereputic? Did I even spell that right? Whoa...thats a good start..lol...Hm well, I may as well give it a go. Nothing to lose :)


Today I binged. I started the day convinced I would restrict completely. Eat nothing. At all. But I had a CBT appointment, so I thought it best to eat first. I had a yoghurt...


After my session, I found myself on the bus to the supermarket. Where i started off buying pineapple, with every good intention. Of course, it didnt end well. I ended up with sooo much food. I got home and ate it all.


Then I went out for dinner with some friends. I actually had a lovely time :) But maybe I didnt need a carvery [minus the meat of course] and a turkish delight cheesecake :\ I want the evil food out of me. I hate the feeling. I feel like I have put on a stone today alone. Not good. It makes me feel so weak and useless, and scared. I mean, I have 9stone to lose!! Im not guna lose it but stuffing my mouth with chocolate, cakes, peanuts, carvery and cheesecake, am I?...


But I just can't stop myself. The need to binge just WON'T go away til i give in. I hate it. I sit here wishing I had anorexia. I know thats awful. But at least I would have control. At least I would be thin.