I'm in an awful dark place. Not just the usual dark place, I mean this is literally unbearable. The sun is shining, the sky is blue, i dont see the beauty in the world anymore, I no longer feel it. I no longer care for its existence. My curtains are drawn shut, I can't bare to see the daylight, the sunshine is annoying, it just reminds me of how low I have gotten. The thought of opening my eyes is torture, reality is a nightmare. Everything hurts and it's not getting better. I have no friends, no family, no one cares about me, not really. I just want someone to care. That's all. Care enough to drag me out of bed and make me see sense. When I wake up, I cry, I have to start the whole process of getting through 24hrs again. Then when I finally manage that, I wake up and it starts again, and again, and again. I feel nauseous constantly. Whether I eat, or not. It is making my meal plan very hard to follow but Im still trying. Not having food as a behaviour after 27yrs of it being the only thing that has saved my life is agonising. I am so angry at myself for being this way. I am sat in bed now crying my eyes out cuz its only 11am, I still have at least 12hrs to get through til I can fall asleep again. Usually I would find that thought a comfort, but not any more. Because I know tomorrow will be the same.

Dads in ICU. They think he might die. I think I might die too.

Sorry

Sorry for being such a bitch. I'm sorry for being a BPD flipping psychopath. I hurt people. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being so unloveable even my own parents hate me. It's ok, I get it, I hate me too. I am so sad, so sad it physically hurts my heart. There is no happiness at all. Lately things have been going down down down and SMACK I hit the bottom with a thud. I'm so over being fucked up. I'm over being sad and crazy and having my thoughts and behaviours ruin every thing in my fucking life. What the hell kind of messed up person does the things I have done. Not everyone is meant to survive abuse and neglect and rape and growing up it broken, violent alcholic homes, losing a pregnancy, domestic violence, repeated sexual assault, losing friends, putting on 12st in 3 years. Bulimia, depression, borderline, suicide attempts, self harm, prescription drugs...Not every one is their own hero, not every one is fixable. Some people are statistics. I think I'm starting to be okay with that. If it means the pain ends maybe that's okay.

I feel like I want to destroy myself. I have just been looking through old photos of myself. I never realised what I had. Friends, a future, happiness, hope. I fucked it all and I'm fucking angry. How did I let this happen? I barely even recognise the girl in those photos. It hurts so deeply I cannot even put words to it. I ruined my entire life. Tore it apart. Now I have nothing. At all.

My emotional mind has convinced my wise mind that I am only allowed one cracker an hour. Wise mind knows this is not wise, but also knows it has no option. The 2lb I lost last week has gone back on plus more. It's never ending and it's exhausting. And I'm tired of it. Sometimes I have these moments of extreme clarity, and I see the treatment and skills are working, but it's hard to see that clarity every second of every day. You can't just have a day off, fight it today but not tomorrow, cuz before u know it a day turns into a week, which turns into a month, then ur back at square one. It's difficult being constantly aware of what's happening internally, you can never let your guard down for a single second. You can't master breakfast but slip up at lunch. :( Headache A constant battle in my head. I convinced myself, Kt, u NEED to stick to MP, ignore the scales, carry on as usual, it will be ok. But a glimpse of myself in the mirror is all it takes to destroy those good intended thoughts. How can I justify eating when I look like this? I can't. *headdesk* I've been on self sabotage this week, I think cuz I've been told I'm doing parts of treatment well. The part of me that despises myself will not allow me to succeed at anything, any praise only feels positive for a while before it turns into guilt. One step forward two back this week.