Merry Christmas

I am so desperately sad. It hurts. My insides feel like they are being torn out. Everyone is with family at Xmas. Me? There's just a huge empty space where a family should be. It's lonely, and it's horrible. The dysfunction is a level I have never known or heard about elsewhere. Xmas is just a relentless reminder of how truely alone I am, how truely uncared about I am. And its painful. You have these thoughts, family's opening presents together, spending time together, eating Xmas dinner together, the grandad or uncle falls asleep in the chair as the evening goes on. That's all I want. To feel like I belong somewhere. to have someone WANT to spend Xmas with me. Truth is, I could go out tomorrow morning, spend all day wandering the streets, and no one would notice I wasn't in. The pain, is one I cannot describe.