Merry Christmas

I am so desperately sad. It hurts. My insides feel like they are being torn out. Everyone is with family at Xmas. Me? There's just a huge empty space where a family should be. It's lonely, and it's horrible. The dysfunction is a level I have never known or heard about elsewhere. Xmas is just a relentless reminder of how truely alone I am, how truely uncared about I am. And its painful. You have these thoughts, family's opening presents together, spending time together, eating Xmas dinner together, the grandad or uncle falls asleep in the chair as the evening goes on. That's all I want. To feel like I belong somewhere. to have someone WANT to spend Xmas with me. Truth is, I could go out tomorrow morning, spend all day wandering the streets, and no one would notice I wasn't in. The pain, is one I cannot describe.

Eating Disorder Survey

CURRENTLY: [] anorexic [] ednos [x] bulimic [x] living off laxative/diet pills [x] hungry [] thirsty [] drinking something [] Under 100lbs [] fasting/starving myself PEOPLE: [] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic [x] have called me fat [] have said I’m skinny [] have said I’m ugly [x] have said I’m pretty [x] spread rumors about me [x] forced me to eat [x] say I eat too much [] wish I’d eat more [x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic/ednos I WISH: [x] I was THIN [x] I had a better body [x] I didn’t have to eat [x] I could control myself [] I was under 110lbs [x] I could avoid food [] I could hide what I am [x] I wasn’t fat [x] I was pretty I LOVE: [] feeling hungry [x] seeing a difference when fasting [x] shaking [] feeling airy [x] losing weight [] green tea [x] diet pills [x] being able to turn down food [x] feeling good about myself APPEARANCE: [] I am shorter than 5’4 [x] I think I’m ugly [x] I have many scars [] I wish my hair was a different colour [x] I have a tattoo [x] I am self-conscious about my appearance [] I have/had braces [] I wear glasses/contacts [x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free [x] I have more than 2 piercings [x] I have piercings in places besides my ears [] I have freckles FAMILY: [x] I’ve sworn at my parents [] i tried] I’ve run away from home [] I’ve been kicked out of the house [] My biological parents are together [] I have a sibling less than one year old [x] I want to have kids someday [] I’ve had children [x] I’ve lost a child [] I can’t have children RELATIONSHIPS: [x] I’m single [] I’m in a relationship [] I’m engaged [] I’m married [x] I miss someone right now [x] I have a fear of abandonment [] I’ve cheated in a relationship [] I’ve gotten divorced [x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back [x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t [x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did [x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship SEXUALITY: [] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex [x] I am a cuddler [x] I’ve kissed in the rain [x] I’ve hugged a stranger [] I have kissed a stranger BAD TIMES: [x] I’ve consumed alcohol [] I regularly drink [] I can’t swallow pills [x] I can swallow numerous pills at a time without water [x] I have been diagnosed with depression [x] I shut others out when I’m upset [x] I take anti-depressants [x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS [x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it [x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose [x] I’m addicted to self harm [x] I’ve woken up crying [x] I’ve fallen asleep crying [x] I’ve lost weight [x] I’ve gained weight [x] My weight holds me back [x] Weight consumes me [] I’m at my thinnest [x] I’m at my biggest [] I’ve lost weight and kept it off [x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back [x] My weight affects my mood [] I weigh myself daily [x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me [] I thrive on compliments [] I hate compliments [] I feel bigger than people who are my size [] I feel happy when I’m hungry [x] I’ve skipped a meal [x] I’ve thrown food away [x] I’ve spit food out [x] I’ve fasted [x] I’ve taken diet pills [x] I’ve used laxatives [x] I’ve purged [] I exercise [x] I exercise so I can eat [] I work out secretly [] I work out daily [x] I’ve fainted from exhaustion I’VE DONE: [] Weed [] Cigarettes [x] Alcohol [x] Diet pills [x] Pain killers [x] Sleeping pills [x] Anti-depressants/Mood supporters [] Ecstasy [] LSD [] Mushrooms [] Speed [] Cocaine [] Other HABITS: [x] I keep my eating habits a secret [x] I look at thinspo [x] I collect thinspo [x] I count calories [x] I’ve had negative intake days [x] I avoid food [x] I hate food [x] I love food [x] I don’t want to be like this [x] I wish I could have more control [x] losing weight is my top priority [x] I am in treatment [] I’m doing this for me [] I’m doing this for someone [] I’m doing this to prove myself

''you hate me because i'm fat''

I remember when I was a little girl, maybe 7 or 8, me and mum had an arguement - I don't remember what about, but I remember crying for hours and eventually writing her a note which said 'You hate me because I'm fat don't you?'. I remember it so very clearly. The genuine dispare that my mother hated me because I was 'fat' < at age 7 i was average > Today, my mum did not want to go out with me, did not want to spend any time with me, said she was busy then sat playin games on her android tab. I am that little girl again. The feeling is so real and so devestating.

Footprints in the Sand

You walked with me, footprints in the sand, and helped me understand, where I'm going. You walked with me, when I was all alone, with so much unknown, along the way.

I have so many people to thank for helping me stand back up when I've been down. People who I have pushed away at my lowest, but who stood by me anyway. I find it hard knowing I can't thank these people, Urgh :( I hope they know who they are. I send the letter I drafted out to several places, asking for help, I am really struggling. So far I have not heard back from anyone. Feeling all alone, and like I have no where to turn. Maybe they cant help me any more than they have already?

Binge/Starve cycle

The last 5 days i have survived on;

-water
-meal replacement bar
-1/2 a chewing gum
-licking cinnemon off my fingers
-2 sips coke zero
-1/2 7up free

so today i was in a bad way, much like i have been these last 5 days as u can imagine. Hungry, tired, dizzy, nauseous, confused, oh just everything - u name it, i felt it.

But the absolute fear of food stopped me from breaking. This is when i know the anorexic behaviours of my ednos are present. Sometimes the thoughts/behaviours last for minutes - this time, it was 5 days, the longest it was 6 months. I never know how long its guna last. or what behaviours or urges are guna strike me next. when im restricting i cannot think of anything worse than eating. the thought makes me shake. i wake up havin had nightmares that i accidently ate. Its not normal.

So i eventually relented as i was in bed, in and out of - conciousness or sleep - i couldnt work it out - i had a banana. BAM the bulimia of my ednos overtook. WTF A BANANA??? i cried and cried over eating a BANANA! one banana destroyed me. i took laxatives. yes, for a banana what the hell kind of behaviour is that?! i lay in bed crying for quite a while, then the binge urges overtook n i was in the kitchen making all kinds of binge food. eating everything i saw. more lax. and yeh here i am. feeling nothing but pure revulsion at myself. argh i just dont even know what to do anymore. my control is gone.

finding today so hard :( i wana be thin again. i wana be happy again.

No one will help me

Im thinking of writing a letter.
But who do I send it to?
Im gna draft this shit..

Im getting huger by the second. I hate it. It seems cuz im not 6st and underweight that no one wants to take my problem seriously. But I am ill, and my weight is making me more and more ill each day.

Im in pain. Usually, when someone asks you where it hurts - you can point at the area thats bothering you. But I can't show anyone where my hurt is, because it's in every breath, and in every corner of every minute of every single day that I live. It doesn't go away. It doesnt fade. Its there, and its so so real.

I go to work, my residents tell me im fat, and treat me like i have no brain. It never gets easier to hear. I am too self concious to go for promotions, or apply for a new job. Collegues comment constantly.
In the street, people saying nasty things. Sometimes to my face, sometimes to others, but I hear each and every one of them, and it kills me. The general consensus of opinion is that self disapline is all I need. I once had a doctor who simply told me, in reguards to me depression 'just cheer up'.

Doctors have also suggested gastric surgery, which I am wary about due to my daily binging; weightloss pills, which I end up abusing in a deperate attempt to lose weight; And meal replacement diets, where I eat no food what so ever and drink only shakes - less than 400 cals a day. On these diets, I end up binging and purging. Alcoholics, drug users, smokers, even those with anorexia or bulimia are given help to recover. But I am pushed aside, told my GP's that my weight has to be below a certain BMI before an Eating Disorder clinic will even concider me. But I am suffering so much.

I recently developed a very rare brain condition called Pseudotumor Cerebri. 1/100,000 get it. My neurologist said its most common in obese people. He told me to lose weight, as if its the most simple thing in the world to do. Or symptoms can worsen. The excess pressure in my brain can lead to perminant blindness/stroke. Even this has not stopped the [up to 5 a day] binges.

I have been diagnosed with depression for just over 2 years, in that time I have gained over 12st in weight. I have had previous therapy [cbt] at Right Steps in Kingston, which proved extremely helpful in other aspects of my depression/negative behaviours, but the eating problems remain, worse than ever, and they are getting worse daily, leading to my self esteem being lower than ever, my weight rapidly increasing, and ultimately - my depression and physical health being worse than ever before.

As a 26 year old girl, of 5"7, I am now over Xst in weight. I have severe back pain most days, my knees are constantly hurting, as are my feet and ankles - i presume due to the immense weight I am carrying around. I have constant headaches and dizziness due to the brain disorder I have developed which I have been told, is likely to be due to my weight gain. I am terrified of developing diabetes - I am already high risk, as my dad and grandad had it. In certain places, my skin has stretched so much that I often nurse open sores myself-ashamed to go to the GP. This is just the physical effects.

I used to love travelling. I can now no longer fit into airplane seats. I was devestated on a flight back from Mexico, when I had to be seated in a special chair to avoid the severe bruising to my legs that I suffered on the outbound flight. The seat belts also never fit and I am too embarrased to say anything.

Small things that a 26year old girl shouldnt have to worry about are the things that make up my life - taking up more than 1 seat on a bus - so no one will sit next to me, getting into peoples cars and their seatbelts not fitting, going to the cinema and not fitting in the seats, not fitting on rollercoasters, in public toilets properly, having to make excuses to friends why I cant go to certain restaurants when in reality-its because i dont fit in the booths they seat you in. Average weighing scales dont go up to my weight. Nothing fits, I hate leaving the house, I am terrified of summer where I cant wear my coat to cover my awful body up. I can no longer meet up with old friends and have not seen my own father for the longest time, because I am so scared of what they will think when they see me.

I dont want to live like this any more

Hello0o

There's been ups and downs as always. Sometimes my BPD symptoms fade, and it doesnt control my every thought, but recently it is tearing me to shreds. I over analyse every thing, I am hanging onto people who dont want me to hang on to them. I am pushing people away, and I can see what I am doing but I cant stop. Namely, J. Im still in love with him..I have been for years. I want so much to be in a relationship with him, but he knows my flaws, and he knows where I struggle, and he wants me to get better for ME. So he refuses to be with me. Its so hard. One day I have hope that maybe he likes me back, the next day I am taking everything the wrong way and over reacting which obviously pushes him away and freaks him out. Its so hard to explain. I'm doing a bad job at it to be honest...

I am also in the midst of a pregnancy scare. I have all the symptoms, but all tests are showing negative. This is doin my noggin in. I honestly don't know how I would feel either way. Argh. I dont think I know anything?...

So those who know me, will know I LOVEEE animals, my pets are my life, I put alot into them, u know, it makes me feel like something is relyin on me? Like im important to SOMEthing. But I feel like I've taken it a bit far recently. I have a goldfish, 2 hamsters and 6 degu's who I now share a room with. I have 2 bunnys in the garden, and 4 cats. Its like some strange addiction. RAWR WHY AM I SO MAD?!

Also, I am binging, daily, I am getting huger and less confident by the minute and have such a strong hatred and disgust for myself there is no way to explain it.

Yup. Peace out. x

Life with IIH/Pseudotumor cerebri

Its a struggle.
I have had lots of time off work which has hugely impacted on my depression - its so difficult to tell the difference between what my body needs as rest, to recover, and what depression wants, to get its foot back in the door.

Since my last blog, I have been in a&e another 3 times, and I have had another LP, which was last week. I have been assigned a neurologist. He seems to know what he's talking about. It was quite a comfort, after a month of no one seeming to know what the hell they were doing with me.

I cut for the first time in ages today. It all got a bit much, I havent been well enough following my LP last week to move far from my bed.