Im thinking of writing a letter.
But who do I send it to?
Im gna draft this shit..
Im getting huger by the second. I hate it. It seems cuz im not 6st and underweight that no one wants to take my problem seriously. But I am ill, and my weight is making me more and more ill each day.
Im in pain. Usually, when someone asks you where it hurts - you can point at the area thats bothering you. But I can't show anyone where my hurt is, because it's in every breath, and in every corner of every minute of every single day that I live. It doesn't go away. It doesnt fade. Its there, and its so so real.
I go to work, my residents tell me im fat, and treat me like i have no brain. It never gets easier to hear. I am too self concious to go for promotions, or apply for a new job. Collegues comment constantly.
In the street, people saying nasty things. Sometimes to my face, sometimes to others, but I hear each and every one of them, and it kills me. The general consensus of opinion is that self disapline is all I need. I once had a doctor who simply told me, in reguards to me depression 'just cheer up'.
Doctors have also suggested gastric surgery, which I am wary about due to my daily binging; weightloss pills, which I end up abusing in a deperate attempt to lose weight; And meal replacement diets, where I eat no food what so ever and drink only shakes - less than 400 cals a day. On these diets, I end up binging and purging. Alcoholics, drug users, smokers, even those with anorexia or bulimia are given help to recover. But I am pushed aside, told my GP's that my weight has to be below a certain BMI before an Eating Disorder clinic will even concider me. But I am suffering so much.
I recently developed a very rare brain condition called Pseudotumor Cerebri. 1/100,000 get it. My neurologist said its most common in obese people. He told me to lose weight, as if its the most simple thing in the world to do. Or symptoms can worsen. The excess pressure in my brain can lead to perminant blindness/stroke. Even this has not stopped the [up to 5 a day] binges.
I have been diagnosed with depression for just over 2 years, in that time I have gained over 12st in weight. I have had previous therapy [cbt] at Right Steps in Kingston, which proved extremely helpful in other aspects of my depression/negative behaviours, but the eating problems remain, worse than ever, and they are getting worse daily, leading to my self esteem being lower than ever, my weight rapidly increasing, and ultimately - my depression and physical health being worse than ever before.
As a 26 year old girl, of 5"7, I am now over Xst in weight. I have severe back pain most days, my knees are constantly hurting, as are my feet and ankles - i presume due to the immense weight I am carrying around. I have constant headaches and dizziness due to the brain disorder I have developed which I have been told, is likely to be due to my weight gain. I am terrified of developing diabetes - I am already high risk, as my dad and grandad had it. In certain places, my skin has stretched so much that I often nurse open sores myself-ashamed to go to the GP. This is just the physical effects.
I used to love travelling. I can now no longer fit into airplane seats. I was devestated on a flight back from Mexico, when I had to be seated in a special chair to avoid the severe bruising to my legs that I suffered on the outbound flight. The seat belts also never fit and I am too embarrased to say anything.
Small things that a 26year old girl shouldnt have to worry about are the things that make up my life - taking up more than 1 seat on a bus - so no one will sit next to me, getting into peoples cars and their seatbelts not fitting, going to the cinema and not fitting in the seats, not fitting on rollercoasters, in public toilets properly, having to make excuses to friends why I cant go to certain restaurants when in reality-its because i dont fit in the booths they seat you in. Average weighing scales dont go up to my weight. Nothing fits, I hate leaving the house, I am terrified of summer where I cant wear my coat to cover my awful body up. I can no longer meet up with old friends and have not seen my own father for the longest time, because I am so scared of what they will think when they see me.
I dont want to live like this any more
