Did NOT want to go to therapy today. 1, because feelings [judgements] of being hideously ugly, I genuinely felt bad about anyone having to look at me.[wisemind-people have bigger issues than wat I look like. Emotional mind-that's cuz no one cares] Also I didn't particularly want to talk about Xmas and new year and my dad. Just no. How can I explain wanting to be dead without being incarcerated? Feelings hurt, and talking about them hurts and life just hurts at the moment and I didn't want to be a crying idiot like usual. Crying=out of control [DBT EDIT-I should challenge this but I'm not quite sure how....] Wisemind is something I need to become friends with. I need to trust it, because I still don't fully. Wise mind knew I had to go, that the longer I left it the worse it would be, DBT does help, it's just a slow process, but slow doesn't mean it's not happening. Also, I have used skills to get through the past few weeks, so identifying them would be useful So yeah...wise mind got me there. I was anxious in the waiting room, it's happening more and more, I'm finding the content more difficult at the moment, like I know it's guna be emotion central by the time I leave [maybe that's a good thing....I need to get used to emotions - DBT EDIT!] and getting through the rest of the day after sessions recently has been hard. So in my last group I ended up feeling bad for buying leaving presents for people, it was suggested it may be a behaviour. I felt bad today too when presents were bought up, like I'd done something awful by caring about people and getting them gifts.[Logically, maybe 'u didn't have to buy me anything' doesn't instantly translate to 'why the fuck did u buy me a present u freak, I hate you don't u dare do it again']. I wonder if there will ever be a time when logic is the first thing that hits? Without the distress of stupid [hopefully] illogical thoughts beating me to death before I even know what's happened. So I lost my words, left dazed and unable to communicate. In the real world, when this happens I can fade into the background, claim I'm tired, or feeling ill and be left alone, but 1-1 when the other person is trained to spot when this happens and question why it happens, it isn't so easy. It's a reason I'm finding therapy hard at the moment. I literally cannot talk or construct sentences in my head and I just come across as an idiot [judgement? True judgement though..] this makes me feel worse and the worse I feel the more frozen I get. Anyway I got lunch afterwards, I felt sick but knew it was probably hunger than actual sickness

It took me a while to realise, that I might actually be happy for my dad. I am happy that he doesn't have to wake up each morning knowing he is fighting a losing battle against a demon that is so much stronger than he is. Maybe I need to stop seeing it as him losing his fight. Maybe he won. He's the one who's no longer suffering. How can that be seen as losing? he's pain free, nothing can hurt him anymore. Maybe he got it right. There's not one single part f me that's angry AT him for this. I'm angry at the situation, of course, but him-I understand. Because I really feel like this is guna beat me. DBT helps to a point, but it doesn't make the pain go, it makes the pain worse and it hurts every second to be alive right now. It physically hurts. It's unbareably and I want it to stop. I don't know what skill I'm missing. I honestly try every one. 10minutes ago I had a blade to my wrist. I realised I was having trouble using it because I'm sad, not angry, so I try to act opposite, but the thought of putting on a comedy makes me want to be sick. I cannot do anything to take this sadness away and I've been accepting it and sitting with it, but it won't fucking go, it gets worse, it demands I take things into my own hands and deal with it my own way. I want to be at peace, with my dad, I wish I could swap places. I wish I Was brave enough. I keep praying to get injured really badly, so my pain is visible. I wana lay on the floor bleeding with broken bones so people can understand how i feel. Thats how i feel inside. The sad truth is that I'm no ones first choice, I never will be. If I died, a few maybe sad for a while, but life would go on, they wouldn't be sad forever, I would be quickly forgotten about. I think it would be ok. I'm not important to anyone,not really. People close to me always end up hating me. Rachel, j, emilly.. People that promised to love me forever. Fuck forever. I don't have a future worth waiting for. No one can get better from this. Mastery isn't enough to make me want to stay alive, nor is mindfulness, it may have its time and place where it helps but how can mindfulness or urge surfing or self soothing stop me from wishing I was dead?