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Ooookay. Deep breath. This is what happened today. and im not using capital letters or proper punctuation or spellcheck or any of that stuff from now on in this blog cuz im purely too lazy. sorry.

So yesterday was a bad day. i woke up and just had nothing to say. i was just sad and wanted to be alone. but i had a session with my therapist in the afternoon, which attending in that mood, was very difficult. i truely feel so awful for wasting her time. shes amazing at her job and i truely try not to think negatively, but if i wasnt sat there silently crying, not even knowing why i was crying, she could be helping someone else. ANNNYWAYYY...we pretty much concluded that since i was rerefered to her, things are infact seeming to get worse. the things left worth discussing and going into are too raw and im just not ready to go there. iv tried. but its put me back a few steps. i need to catch up again-get to the place i was a few months back and just let it be for a while-enjoy the fact i was having good days-not bein angry at myself that not every day is a good day.

Im sad. I wanted her to come on my whole jouney of recovery with me. Feel like we were a little team. but she cant come with me. and that hurts cuz i trust her so much more than i trust anyone else.

Ok I have to stop there cuz im gettin all emotional again :\ kk TODAY!!!.....................

SO i spent the day with my dad brother sis and nephew at a theme park. It was a fab day really, i love it when my sis and bendy are down :)
Had a few little issues. I convinced myself i was too fat for the rides. infact, im still convinced i am. so i only went on 2. Which made me saaad cuz i LOVEEE rides!!!!! but mer. the other issue was lunch. i didnt wana eat. but i had to. my family arent aware of my ed. well, my sister is, but the others arent. so having my stomach full of veggie wrap and chips wasnt the best feeling :\

Anyway, i left early, cuz i had to go to this recovery group - sooo it took me 2 hours 20 mins to find this place. I was already tired [i slept 4 hours last night, and im no good unless i have 11hours lol] and was wet and uncomfortable from the rain and water rides...but i WENT!!! i was so anxious, but i sat though it.

Theres no nice way to put it-this place is for the seriously insane. Before I even took 3 steps onto the grounds i had a marriage proposal from a man i presume was mad.

So anyway i ring the bell at 'building 4'. Nothing. I go round the other side and ring the intercom. Some woman tells me to go through the door to the left. I thank her and then realise-there is no door to the left, you idiot. So i rang it again, and she came out-full of attitude, looked at me like i was an escapee or something, and told me to go to the ED unit. She was so rude. I can now see why patients have been known to attack staff. that bitch. aheeem. ok anyways...

So i go to the ED unit. Notice a bunch on anorexics looking at me through the window as i walk past. TRIGGER. 'i dont have an EATING DISORDER' - 'im not worthy of being here getting help' - 'i cant have an ED unless i look like them' - 'seeing me must be their worst nightmare' ooh gosh-the negative thoughts kept coming.

The nurse told me there was no group and she didnt know what i was talking about.

So i went to the front gate-and spoke to the security guard. he said he would take me to 'room 70, building 4'. Only, when we got there, it was an empty room. Yes. An empty room. So he apologised and sent me home.

Firstly - 2 AND A HALF HOUUUUURS I TRAVELLED!!! battling off a panic attack :\
Secondly - I left feeling a million times worse than when i went in. Anxious, angry, let down, stupid, degraded by that rude nurse urgh...

So yes. I have calmed down a bit now :) luckily. I really have no idea what happened. I called the woman running the group and got voicemail, so i will email her tomorrow. Someone remind me why I bother?! it shouldnt be this difficult to go to a SUPPORT group should it???

D: sorryyy needed to rant lol
Lovvvve xxx mwah