Did NOT want to go to therapy today. 1, because feelings [judgements] of being hideously ugly, I genuinely felt bad about anyone having to look at me.[wisemind-people have bigger issues than wat I look like. Emotional mind-that's cuz no one cares] Also I didn't particularly want to talk about Xmas and new year and my dad. Just no. How can I explain wanting to be dead without being incarcerated? Feelings hurt, and talking about them hurts and life just hurts at the moment and I didn't want to be a crying idiot like usual. Crying=out of control [DBT EDIT-I should challenge this but I'm not quite sure how....] Wisemind is something I need to become friends with. I need to trust it, because I still don't fully. Wise mind knew I had to go, that the longer I left it the worse it would be, DBT does help, it's just a slow process, but slow doesn't mean it's not happening. Also, I have used skills to get through the past few weeks, so identifying them would be useful So yeah...wise mind got me there. I was anxious in the waiting room, it's happening more and more, I'm finding the content more difficult at the moment, like I know it's guna be emotion central by the time I leave [maybe that's a good thing....I need to get used to emotions - DBT EDIT!] and getting through the rest of the day after sessions recently has been hard. So in my last group I ended up feeling bad for buying leaving presents for people, it was suggested it may be a behaviour. I felt bad today too when presents were bought up, like I'd done something awful by caring about people and getting them gifts.[Logically, maybe 'u didn't have to buy me anything' doesn't instantly translate to 'why the fuck did u buy me a present u freak, I hate you don't u dare do it again']. I wonder if there will ever be a time when logic is the first thing that hits? Without the distress of stupid [hopefully] illogical thoughts beating me to death before I even know what's happened. So I lost my words, left dazed and unable to communicate. In the real world, when this happens I can fade into the background, claim I'm tired, or feeling ill and be left alone, but 1-1 when the other person is trained to spot when this happens and question why it happens, it isn't so easy. It's a reason I'm finding therapy hard at the moment. I literally cannot talk or construct sentences in my head and I just come across as an idiot [judgement? True judgement though..] this makes me feel worse and the worse I feel the more frozen I get. Anyway I got lunch afterwards, I felt sick but knew it was probably hunger than actual sickness