Lost

I feel like I have lost myself.

On saturday night I took an overdose and cut my arm needing stitches. J completely rejected me. I couldnt take any more abandonment, especially from J. Im so in love with him and it just destroyed me.

Looking back, he was only being honest with me - telling me we cant be together at the moment, but my head twisted it all around and I convinced myself he hated me. Even though he said to me 'You are such a good and beautiful person' and that he loves me as a friend,...but no, in my head, he hated me.

All I needed was to hurt myself, I tried desperately to cling to the skills I learnt in CBT, I went for a walk, but my emotions were controlling me, in about the space of 5 minutes I felt everything sad, scared, alone, hopeless, angry, back to alone again. But mostly I was scared and rejected. I called a friend, but as soon as I heard her voice I felt guilty - this wasnt her problem, it was mine, and that meant I had to deal with it alone. So I hung up. Not wanting to worry her or burden her. I was so angry at myself. I went home, not being able to think clearly at all-all I could focus on was needing to stop the pain. Yeah, at that time, I wanted to die.

I started taking tablets. One after the other after the other after the other. I don't know how many I took. As suddenly as the urge to take tablets had hit me, the urge to stop taking them overtook - Thank God. I was shocked at what I found myself doing, I knew better than this. I cut my arm, not to kill myself, not to hurt myself even, but to almost snap myself back to reality? Maybe that makes no sense. But it worked. I made myself sick, not wanting to die anymore - realising how stupid I had been, and tryin to get the tablets out of me. My arm was cut pretty bad. I knew I needed a hospital. But I was scared. What if they locked me up? What if they never let me out? What if they contacted my family? I couldnt have anyone worry about me.

I walked myself to a&e. By this point I was clammy and shaking, not sure if it was the tablets, or the panic and anxiety, or the guilt and shame, or the shock of the depths I had sunk to, I don't know. I sat shaking in the waiting room, bleeding through the old t-shirt I was holding around my arm. An old lady asked if I was ok. I just cried, wondering why she was being so nice to me when I didnt deserve her concern. She talked to me about her reasons for being in a&e - she had reacted to a mosquito bite or a wasp sting and her arm was swollen. I dont think I said a single word to her, but she talked to me til I was called to triage. I wish I could thank her now. And say sorry for not talking back. She said 'It will be ok', and I managed half a smile through the tears.

Triage dressed my arm and did my obs which were all over the place, my pulse was 109. She said its jus cuz I'd been crying and not to worry, then took me to this little room. Where I waited - i had to wait til 11 before I had blood tests, a doctor came and asked me a bunch of questions. Did I want to die? How do I explain to a total stranger what was in my head? I had wanted to die, but I changed my mind. That sounds so stupid - but if I wanted to die, I wouldnt have made myself sick, I wouldnt have gone to hospital. But I hated the thought that they were probably thinking it was for attention or a 'cry for help' because it wasnt...I just lost grip of the mountain I've been climbing for a few minutes, and I fell to the bottom. But I got up again. How do I explain that to a doctor I'd never met? He said he had called the hospital psychiatrist.

She eventually arrived and asked me loads of questions. 45 minutes later, she left me with a diagnosis of 'Emotionally Unstable personality disorder' [Borderline personality disorder] and all she had to say was 'keep up with the skills you learnt in CBT' and she left, happy I was stable enough to go home once my bloods were done and my arm was stitched.

The next few hours aren't worth talking about - my bloods showed my organs were fine, the nurse said its good I was sick so quickly after taking the tablets, and she sorted my arm out. She was so nice, asking me why I did it, and to please not hurt myself again. And I was free to go.

Free to go home where it hit me - I had a new diagnosis to worry about now. I just wana talk to Rebecca =( but I can't. And I wana talk to J, but I can't.

xXxXxXx sorry - just needed to get this out xXxXxXx